Its December!

 

 

Hello guys! Miss me? I myself was surprised that the last entry I made in this blog was last Sept 15! For real??? And Ive been thinking all the time what to share with you! So it took me 3 months to do it? Nah! Actually while writing this blog I dont have an idea what to post yet and Ill let spontaneity dictates!

Its actually 4:49 AM now and I dont know what is happening in my body clock since I always wake up in the middle of the night and finds it hard to go back to bed again. I dont want to think much about it and try to relate it to Paranormal Activity because Im sure that wont give a lot of help. So instead of thinking about these crazy things I decided! My blog! Yes my blog!

I have been receiving a lot of messages and feedbacks from different people that they have been waiting for my updates. What I always tell them is that I dont have something "new" yet to share. But sometime in my solitude I wonder, do I really have nothing to share or am I just building a lot of walls towards giving out my identity. I heard that one of the positive blogger is identified by his random follower. I cant get the idea why you need to create an effort to identify a person who is trying to be anonimous?! I mean definitely in our case, we need to keep our individuality in private and we are blogging not for anything else, but to help the community in our little own ways. I guess I need not reiterate and common sense dictates that let us just give that respect to people who doesnt want to be identified and just continue their social works. Makes sense right? I guess this is one of the major reason why I failed to have this blog updated as often as I like it to be.

Still, I decided that this blog is helping me too. It helps me release stress. Also, I guess the page view says it all! I am quite surprised that the number is still growing despite my absence these past few months. This doesnt only mean thats my page is starting to get some attention but it also means that there are a lot of people trying to find answers and they are hoping that I could help them through my blog. This blog is not only dedicated to inform people about HIV but to educate others how an HIV positive guy is still living a normal or moreso, a much fabulous life. Joking. Well, half meant... hmmm, ok since you dont know me and you cant dispute that then I will claim it. FABULOUS it is!

December, I went to RITM to get a refill of my ARV when suddenly the attending nurse threw a lot of questions. When did you first started with ARV? Am I still smoking? And all those questions which I thought not being normally asked when just getting a refill. Long talks have gone by and he mentioned that I need to get my CD4 count this December. CRAP! I am not ready yet. I think I am not yet in full condition because of the stress that I am going through and I was planning for January to have the count. I am quite afraid everytime Ill get my CD4 count because it is like a test if youre passing or failing. Well, after I started ARV I have good count and I dont really want to stress myself out thinking if Im still doing a good job. What if my CD4 dropped, it will ony throw me to bed and be depressed for couple of months. But this is the life that I have now, being monitored should be a part of the lifestyle that I should get used to. And come to think of it, lucky me that I am still in a perfect health condition when I discovered I have these little monsters. BTW you monsters, its December now! I think its time for you to get of my system, all of you! LOL

Going back to that nurse, he started telling me that I should be careful because I am already in my second line of ARV. If ever that my regimen fails again Philhealth cannot accomodate it and I have to import my own drugs and all that I earn now is not enough to cover that expense. Well nurse, THANKS A LOT! I dont see the purpose of hammering that in my mind if I dont see the benefit of you telling that to me. I like to answer right at that moment, "are you telling me that I am a hopeless dying freak that I am holding on to my last piece of string to live?". How was that even helpful? Did he wanted me to go to bed, do a fetal position and be depressed? I know he wanted to warn me and I hope those kind of things should be solicited. I have been doing my very best in this regimen. I have not missed a pill in 1.5 years of taking it although sometimes I am late. But I think Im doing good! But for a nurse who should be helping us and guiding us through our journey, it is my humble opinion that I think he should think of reconsidering his ways.

Enough of this! My Alarm just went wild and I need to prepare for office. I should go for now and I hope I can update this blog as often as I could.

BY THE WAY...

It si December! YEHEY! Only positive things are welcome! This is the time to spend for family, friends and loved ones. Let us celebrate the season with love and with a thankful heart how we are saved by our Lord Jesus Christ. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU!

Yours,

Potchini2

My Two Cents

I have been reading a lot of blogs and write-ups regarding HIV and living with the virus after I was tested positive, including the laws that "controls" the virus. I agree to most of them but there really is something that I cannot absorb...

"HIV criminalization due to ptotected/unprotected sex."
"HIV positives should be careful not to infect others."
" It is more acceptable if HIV positives would find a partner with the same status."

Most tackles about this topic. Although this provides sense, what I cannot swallow is that everything is focused now how HIV positives should act to protect the community.

I tested positive and I was so depressed that I dont want to get into that emotional coaster in my life again.But after reading some of the articles, I noticed my self unconciously believeing that HIV positives are a different specie. I almost accepted that I am not who I was. I saw myself as a destructive weapon and would sometimes believe that if there is a global movement for HIV postive genocide, I should participate. That this only way to be responsible, and to stop HIV. I just saw myself as part of HIV registry count and forgot that I am ONE, ONE who has his own identity and being gifted by GOD of a life to live. That is how I used to see myself because of what the society pushes me to believe. And there comes realization....

It pushed me back the day I heard the news that I am infected by the virus. I also asked myself who I got this disease from? But that is not the major question that bothered me. I thought more of how I cannot spread the virus more than think first of how I should live my life from then on to keep myself healthy. I guess Ive been responsible with that line of thinking. But what is the point of letting HIV postives feel that they have the sole responsibility to take care of the society's health and well being??? I believe that I would be given the benefit of the doubt to know what I am talking about because I am in the right shoe to express being an HIV positive, but I never tried to search who I got this from for me to blame that person. If there is someone to blame, it is myself. I am the one who is primarily responsible of taking care of my own life and be on top of the choices that I make. But why all of a sudden, I should be burdened by the though that I should be more responsible for others health?

I hope im addressing my point clearly. I CONDEMN those HIV positives for willingly infecting others, but I DISPUTE the idea that HIV positives are MORE responsible for the health of others.

Being HIV positive, we are well equipped with the fact that we should always practice safe sex, that is the responsibility we ARE ALL BURDENED. That is the reality that we should face. But more than that, being bombarded by opinions that we should isolate ourselves like a different human class, that is enough. I AM ONE. I AM STILL WHO I WAS before the virus.

THE SOCIETY SHOULD NOT ONLY RELY ON US to keep the community away from the virus. If everyone will be aware of how they SHOULD take care of their own health, that could make a big difference. AND THAT IS THE CHALLENGE!


Yours,

Potchini2

I was gone for a while... SORRY

I have been receiving several messages that they are always visiting my site and they are waiting for my updates... well I am still surprised that the number of views on this site still grows despite my absence for more than a month. Im sorry guys Ive been very busy lately.

I was not expecting this kind of schedule that I almost forgot Im HIV positive. yeah right! Dont get me wrong, I still take my ARVs on time but the schedule that I have right now makes me preoccupied and move one step at a time, but I realized that I still have a responsibility to the reading community and I should commit updating this once in a while most especially now... that the numbers of new HIV positive in the Philippines is still growing.

Again, I am happy and sad with the news. Happy in the sense that there is something in my mind that tells me that the number of positive rises here in our country is not solely due to promiscuous peeps that we have, a larger portion of it comes from awareness and the drive from different sectors to let people know that HIV is not a fictitious disease and it is really around our community. HIV folks will be aware of their status, become more responsible and most of all, will be able to take care of themselves. Sad because every positive result will bring another heartache to a soul. If I will pattern my self to others, the news made me astrayed on my own path. I really do not know here to go then. Well I am not saying that I am in the position right now where everything is already planned and I know what to do in every HIV related matter that I will face... but I believe I am in a better shoe than before. Given the support of my fellow pozzies from Twitter and the strengthened relationship with family and God.

I will take this chance to update my readers that another young soul with HIV was called by our great creator to join HIM in his kingdom. I should be happy for him because he is in a place where there is no HIV, no pain and no discrimation. But I was shocked with the news that the first thing that came into my mind was the pain of her mother. I love my mom so much that I dont want her to feel so much pain, moreso, with my lost. But I dont know if I will pray to God if I wanted to go first before her. Ill die my second death... Yeah! I considered my self reincarnated for I once died with the HIV news and now I am all alive living my life to the fullest with better perspective. But I dont want to anticipate negative things for now for God is so wise that he knows what to do in matters that man cannot comprehend.

Whew. How did I ever shifted to that topic! Anyways, I hope that those newly enrolled pozzies will be able to cope up well and continue with their lives so we could enjoy the gift of live our creator had given us. And I also hope that I can update this blog more frequently!

Yours,
Potchini2

My tears just made me stronger

Suddenly I am starting to feel down as what I was before. Maybe not that much but I wasnt able to contain my emotion and I had such a blast of emotions. Its like all of the suppressed fears, anger, hatred, and couldve wouldve beens are all starting to rush out of my body. These became a little monster, hid it in the closet, and when I checked it if its still there, I am surprised that it became a huge predator waiting to feed on me.

I discovered that I havent forgiven myself yet. To this point I am still unsure if I already had forgiven me for closing doors. It is hard to know that you have limited options in your life. Its like you are free but youre not eligible to do things that you always want to do. No one is to be blamed but myself. People always tell me that I am intelligent and smart, but why a preventable disease, which I am very familiar of,  will limit me in loving my life to the fullest?!

Admit it. Living with HIV is not living a normal life.

It is not normal to be always concious about what you eat. I check that I always have the proper nutrients that I have. Even at times that I dont feel like eating, I force my self to have something in my stomach in the fear that my body may get weak and that my CD4 will go down.

It is not normal to monitor your CD4.

It is not normal to be concious of the time. Even at times when you feel youre very sleepy, you need to stay awake and wait for the time to take your ARVs. You need to keep an alarm, or any system that would remind you of taking the meds on the proper time.

It is not normal to think you will die alone. Many may contest that living with HIV do not equate living alone. The harder it is to find true love. What more to look for someone you really love who can accept you and risk his own health of getting infected?

It is not normal to undergo spermwashing just to have your own kids. Though taking ARVs promises a decreased rate of tranmission, still this is not a 100% guarantee. Ill die if I learned that my child will have a lifetime sentence through me.

All of these are the monsters that tries to eat me. But I took a deep breath, prayed and tried to look at myself in the mirror.

Why am I so afraid of so many things? I know that many people would like to trade places with me. I never want to tell these kind of heartaches to those people who are born handicapped, to those people who stuggle each day for food, to those people who dies of starvation, those people whose family died of tragedy, those people who has no one to turn to, those people who tries to have kids but cannot, those people who became old of being single by helping their family, those people... those noble people who helped me realize that I am in a better situation... and that I should be thankful!

I have funny/happy sets of friends. I am now introduced to some of Pozzies (via twitter) who tries to be always there when I am down. Those people who messages me with "thank you's" for helping them through my advocacy... and at times telling me that I inspired them. I have my work. I have my family with me. A very loving and supportive family.Most of all, I have God.

God is generous enough to give me a chance for a second life. HIV gives me better perspective of what life is all about. With all sincerity, HIV is not everything bad. It made me realize the importance of LIVING. Of accepting limitations. Of living each day as my last. Of having the passion to affect others.Of being a better me. Of being a son again. Of having fear in God.

I used to think that I am frail.... but damn... I am STRONG!

Yours,

Potchin2

I need a hug

Okay, this is supposed to be a blog filled with positivity. But this is also my outlet to release my stress. I think Im starting to feel down again... I need a hug!!!


My job really is starting to drain my energy. I cannot even feel my body at times. I am even too tired to get that sleep that I wanted if you know what I mean. Considering that I should be taking myself twice more than people without little monsters in their blood... I am thinking if I should be leaving my work. It is not an easy task for me, my work now has been my home for 5years and it actually helped me a lot. Im workaholic but I dont want to push my self much considering I should prioritize increasing my CD4 count. Worst is, because of busy work... I forgot to take my medicine 3 hours late... this is the second time I was late for the week... the other one was 2 hours late.Easy to blame the virus right?! I hope that little monsters wont mutate and be resistant to the current ARVs that I am taking... Now I am getting paranoid. But what can I do... whats done is done and I need to plan better to never let this misses happen again.My body felt like being gang raped by 10 guys... (oops never think that I experienced a gang bang okay?!) haha. But it WAS a fantasy... going back....

I really felt that I need a hug. I need positive things to come in... and just when I need it I remembered little things that happened to me for the day...

Mom called me in the cellphone in the middle of my much needed sleep which ofcourse, woke me up. I was kinda irritated because I cant hear her from the other line and ofcourse I really feel I need sleep. I texted her, why? She responded "Wala, chinecheck lang kita". (Nothing... Im only checking you out). Sweet!!!! WHAT AM I WITHOUT YOU!!!! ILABYAH!!!


Also, someone messaged me from PR... this also made me smile...

hi, i am reading your blog right now while composing this message (i don't have HIV, dunno if i have) and i salute you because you still have that positive vibes that surrounds you...i haven't been to any of the hospitals you posted on your blog but it's a big help to know where should i go in case i feel the need to get my self checked...

i've read some bashing you've encountered on this site and you have my RESPECT in handling those people...i have many thoughts as well with people who have AIDS but you changed all of it...even if i haven't seen you...i feel that i like you...your attitude and how you see your life as a whole...

I'll be thinking of you when i get my self checked and i'll inform you asap!!!


 Knowing that the purpose of this blog is served... I am happy for that... to atleast helped a single guy know his HIV status through me is a really big thing. What more would it be after receiving messages that they will check their status after reading my blog. Either they will do it in the near future or not... I know they are now aware.


But still, I need a hug.

Yours,

Potchini2

To the World's Greatest Mom

I wish to tell you how much I love you mom! Although I cant remember the last time I told you this, I know action speaks louder than words... And hopefully Ill have the courage to tell you how I feel. For now, I hope this works...

During my highschool days, I must admit, I envied my classmates' moms because they were all supportive to them. They are soft spoken, womanly and always gives us a sweet smile. At that moment, I always wanted my mom to be like them. Like a typical mom... But now that I have grown up I realized I do not want a typical mom... I love you the way you are, youre more than ordinary..

You washed jeepney when we were young, you do other's laundry, you sell fish, you owned sari-sari store, you fix the faucet when its broken, electric wires when not working... and you helped dad to raise us up. You struggled to have all of us finish our college. I thought that would be the end of my list of how wonderful you are.. but not...

I broke the biggest news last year... I called you up when I learned that I was HIV Positive... I heard you broke into tears... but I was steadfast. I dont want you to hear the sound of my shattering soul. Not because I was HIV positive but because.... I heard you cry... and this time because of me. You didnt blamed me. Instead, you welcome me with youre loving arm...

That is the day when I died because of the news, and you made me live again through your love.

Now, you wake me up to take my medicines. You cook healthy foods for me... even at times you do not feel well. You made me feel your love more than ever. Overwhelming.

Now it is payback time. We are all successful professionals and we, will ensure that you will have a better life than what we used to have. I will try to give you everything that you want. I will dress you up with fine clothes, with perfumes and jewels. All because you deserve that. I OWE EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE NOW BECAUSE OF YOU. I owe you more than my life's worth. I love you right after GOD.

The word LOVE will not be enough to define how I am thankful to GOD because I have you. You are especially crafted for us. You are not the typical mom... you are unique. YOU ARE YOU.

You are the BEST.

Symptoms and Hubs

Funny that I created this blog for my advocacy but I think I missed something... to write about the symptoms and the testing/treatment hubs here in the Philippines. If not for some of my followers messaging me, I wouldnt have an idea to post that, maybe because I focused on writing how a Pozzie (HIV positive) can live a normal life like I do. Yan kasi ang nakatulong sa akin nung newly diagnosed ako. I should have blogged this earlier but here it goes!!!

Details c/o @iamhivpositivem


METRO MANILA

Philippine General Hospital (PGH)
Taft Avenue, Ermita, Manila
Dr. Jodor Lim & Ms. Dominga C. Gomez, HACT, SAGIP / PGH
Tel: (+632) 554-8400 local 3238

Research Institute for Tropical Medicine (RITM)
Filinvest Corporate City, Alabang, Muntinlupa City
Dr. Rossana A. Ditangco, Head, HIV Research Unit
Tel: (+632) 807-2628 or 38 local 801/208

San Lazaro Hospital (SLH)
Quiricada St., Sta. Cruz, Manila
Dr. Rosario Jessica Tactacan-Abrenica, Medical Specialist II /
HACT Leader and Head, HIV/AIDS Pavilion
Tel: (+632) 309-9528 to 29; 740-8301 loc 6000


LUZON

Baguio General Hospital and Medical Center (BGHMC)
Baguio City
Dr. Maria Lorena L. Santos, HACT Leader / Medical Officer II

Bicol Regional Training & Teaching Hospital
Legaspi City, Albay
Dr. Rogelio G. Rivera, Chief of Hospital III
Tel: (+6352) 483-0016 ; 483-0086; 483-0017

Cagayan Valley Medical Center
Tuguegarao City, Cagayan Valley

Ilocos Training and Regional Medical Center (ITRMC)
San Fernando, La Union
Dr. Jeisela B. Gaerlan, Medical Specialist II / HACT Leader
Tel: (+6372) 700-3808

Jose B. Lingad Memorial Medical Center
San Fernando, Pampanga

VISAYAS

Corazon Locsin Montelibano Memorial Regional Hospital
Lacson St., Bacolod City, Negros Occidental
Dr. Candido Alam, HACT Leader / Medical Specialist
Tel: (+6334) 435-1591 ; 433-2697

Vicente Sotto, Sr. Memorial Medical Center
B. Rodriguez St., Cebu City 6000
Dr. Maria Consuelo B. Malaga, HACT Leader
Tel: (+6332) 253-7564

Western Visayas Medical Center
Q. Abeto St., Mandurriao, 5000 Iloilo City
Dr. Ray Celis, HACT Leader / Medical Specialist III
Tel: (+6333) 321-2841 to 50

MINDANAO

Davao Medical Center
J.P. Laurel St., Bajada, 8000 Davao City
Dr. Alicia Layug, HACT Leader
Tel: (+6381) 227-2731

Zamboanga City Medical Center
Evangelista St., 7000 Zamboanga City
Dr. Jejunee Rivera, HACT Leader / Medical Officer III
Tel: (+6362) 991-0573

Or visit/inquire at your nearest Social Hygiene Clinics (Special STI Clinics) and City or Municipal Health Offices at the local level. Here are a few in Metro Manila:

Manila Social Hygiene Clinic
2nd Floor, 208 Quiricada Street, Sta. Cruz, Manila
Dr. Diana Mendoza or Malou Tan, RN
Tel: (+632) 711-6942

Caloocan Social Hygiene Clinic
Caloocan Health Department, A. Mabini St., Caloocan
Dr. Zenaida Calupaz
Tel: (+632) 288-8811 local 2281

Makati Social Hygiene Clinic
7th Floor, Makati City Hall, J.P. Rizal St., Makati City
Dr. Calixto Salud or Teresita Pagcaliwagan, RN
Tel: (+632) 870-1615

Mandaluyong Social Hygiene Clinic
Lerma corner Vicencio Sts., Old Zaniga, Mandaluyong
Dr. Yolanda Tuaño
Tel: (+632) 546-7799 ; 211-5336

Pasay Social Hygiene Clinic
Rm. 106, Pasay City Hall, F.B. Harrison St., Pasay City
Dr. Loretta Garcia
Tel: (+632) 551-4180

Pasig Social Hygiene Clinic
5th Floor, Pasig City Hall, Caruncho Ave., Pasig City
Dr. Rocylene Roque or Dennis Espina
Tel: (+632) 640-0111 ; 642-7754; 640-2058

Quezon City Social Hygiene Clinic – Batasan
Batasan Hills, Quezon City
Dr. Dottie Mercado
Tel: (+63) 0905 357-6353

Quezon City Social Hygiene Clinic – P. Bernardo
Cubao, Quezon City
Dr. Suzette Encisa
Tel: (+63) 0916 478-1607

Quezon City Social Hygiene Clinic – Project 7
Project 7, Quezon City
Dr. Monina Santos
Tel: (+63) 0918 618-4133


For the Symptoms:

Many people do not develop symptoms after they first get infected with HIV. Others have a history of a flu-like illness within several days to weeks after exposure to the virus. Early HIV symptoms also include fever, headache, tiredness, and enlarged lymph nodes in the neck. These symptoms usually disappear on their own within a few weeks. After that, the person feels normal and has no symptoms. This asymptomatic phase often lasts for years.

The progression of disease varies widely among individuals. This state may last from a few months to more than 10 years.

• During this period, the virus continues to multiply actively and infects and kills the cells of the immune system.
• The virus destroys the cells that are the primary infection fighters, a type of white blood cell called CD4 cells.
• Even though the person has no symptoms, he or she is contagious and can pass HIV to others through the routes listed above.

AIDS is the later stage of HIV infection, when the body begins losing its ability to fight infections. Once the CD4 cell count falls low enough, an infected person is said to have AIDS. Sometimes, the diagnosis of AIDS is made because the person has unusual infections or cancers that show how weak the immune system is.

• The infections that happen with AIDS are called opportunistic infections because they take advantage of the opportunity to infect a weakened host. The infections include (but are not limited to)
• pneumonia caused by Pneumocystis, which causes wheezing;
• brain infection with toxoplasmosis which can cause trouble thinking or symptoms that mimic a stroke;
• widespread infection with a bacteria called MAC (mycobacterium avium complex) which can cause fever and weight loss;
• yeast infection of the swallowing tube (esophagus) which causes pain with swallowing;
• widespread diseases with certain fungi like histoplasmosis, which can cause fever, cough, anemia, and other problems.
• A weakened immune system can also lead to other unusual conditions:
• lymphoma in (a form of cancer of the lymphoid tissue) in the brain, which can cause fever and trouble thinking;
• a cancer of the soft tissues called Kaposi's sarcoma, which causes brown, reddish, or purple spots that develop on the skin or in the mouth.

As for me, I did not have any of the symptoms. I actually got curious of my HIV status that is why I had myself tested. I think we can have a rule of thumb here:

If you exposed yourself even once to any rosk that can make you catch this little monsters, you owe yourself a treat... that is... having yourself test.

Yours,

Potchini2

Numbers

On the way home, I really thought of updating this blog and I already have a title in my mind... NUMBERS. Lets start?

642 - this is my new CD4 Count. I should be sad but I think Im not. Why? nagsimula ako ng 292 agad ang CD4 ko, so I need to take meds. After that, nagpacd4 ako uli it went to 872 so it was a very big leap! Everyone is actually surprised! I was hoping to maintain that number but unfortunately it went down to 642. Nothing to be sad of actually because this is a really good number. Considering that a normal person's CD4 should be ranging from 500-1000. (I am not sure about that 1500). So makaabot ka lang talaga ng 500 normal na. I was kinda expecting na mejo mababa na din kasi depende din daw un sa kundisyon ng katawan mo. E the night before sobra ako nagpuyat dahil akpapanood ng isang documentary... 12:30 na ata ako nakatulog tapos gising ng 6! haha! tapos ang lakas pa ng ulan kanina. Pasaway ko di ba? but I know that in my normal condition it should be higher.

10 - This is the cut off time (10:00AM) that RITM is accepting pozzies for CD4 count. Sa layo ko 3 hours aabutin byahe ko and while on my way I was losing hope na kasi 7:30 ako nakaalis sa sobrang lakas ng ulan. So ayun uli, sabi ko Lord, ikaw na po bahala ah. Nung andun na ako sa ayala may shuttle dun, usually maghihintay ka talaga ng 15-20 minutes bago umalis yun minsan nga more than 30 minutes sa dalang ng sumasakay. e 9:40 na nung makarating ako dun sa sakayan. e tatakbo pa ang sasakyan, maglalakad pa ako. so wala na. pero nung pagdating ko sa sakayan sakto aalis na yung shuttle humabol lang ako. so pagkasakay ko, alis kaagad. Alam nyo, napangiti na lang ako tapos napabulong ako... IKAW talaga (referring to God). So ayun I came 3-4 minutes ahead of time. Photo finish nga daw ako sabi ni ate Ellen (nurse).

Ang dami pinagawa sa akin, actually nalungkot ako kanina nung kinuhaan ako ng dugo, iba na kasi yung way. hindi na sya parang dati na papasukan ka ng karayom tapos hihilahin yung plastic para lumabas ang dugo...kanina napansin ko, ipinasok yung karayom tapos parang butas sa dulo, lalagyanan ng tube, tapos... ipapasok yung tube... sisirit yung dugo papasok sa tube... habang sumisirit sya nalulungkot ako... nagseself pitty... bakit ko pinagdadaanan ito...

ANYWAYS... tuloy natin ang numbers...

12 - eto yung number kanina na kasabay ko nagpuntan dun sa oras ko. Madami na ito. Imagine pagdating ko dun 12 agad kami sa isang room tapos may mga bago pa. narinig ko na naman yung linyang "Welcome to the School!" School kasi ang RITM para mejo easy sya pakinggan.

6 - haha! matatawa kayo dito. malapit na talaga ako maniwala na may hitsura nga ako. Habang naglalakad sa kalsada, 5 ang napalingon ko! (head turner?) haha. oo tatlo na yung tumitingin sa akin na nakita ko (well hindi ko alam kung meron man na hindi ko napansin). yung isa nga e natakot ako kasi sobra makatitig dahil magkasalubungan naman kami. yung isa naman pacute, yung isa matanda, yung isa sa escalator, yung isa naman lumapit sa akin at kinausap pa ako... since wala ako magawa e kinausap ko na rin. mukha sya straight actually. nagpunta lang daw sya dun sa pwesto ko kasi nakita nya ako dun. inutusan ang daw sya ng asawa nya na bumili gatas ng anak nya. ayun nagshare sya masaya daw sya nakakakita tao katulad ko kasi daw parang nagpapaksaya lang ako samantalang sya nakakulong kasi di nya mahal girl tapos yun nga mukhang nagkakagusto na sya sa lalaki. alam kong di sya nagpapakaastig lang. sa loob loob ko, di mo talaga mapapaliwanag utak ng tao... ako naman isa na lang gusto ko sana.. ang magkaanak, samantalang itong isa, gusto nya sa shoes ko... tapos yun minamanyak ako! haha! well hindi na ako magkukuwento dun...

Sabihin nyo weird kasi nilagay ko 6 pero 5 yung sinabi ko na lumingon? kasi on my way binilang ko na sabi ko 5 tapos habang binibilang ko may ngumiti sa akin. papasok sana sya sa isang malaking supermarket kaso nagiba agad ng way nung madaan sa akin... huminto sa isang lugar... pumwesto sa may malapit sa akin tapos nagsmile. hayayyay! yun na lang kukuwento ko!

Sasabihin ng iba nagbubuhat ako bangko, pero totoo lahat yan. ewan ko ba di naman ako pogi, may hitsura lang hehe. O ayan mga pozzie ha, hindi porke pozzie tayo mukha na tayo sakitin. Dami kaya pozzie na mukha pa rin fresh kaya tuloy lang buhay natin ha!


TUKSO LAYUAN MO AKO!!!


Yours,

Potchini2

Philhealth requirements

There is currently a national initiative to help those HIV Positives to cope up with the medical expenses through Philhealth. Thank you. It is really useful for us but I believe there are more improvements that could be made especially when trying to avail your benefits.

The current procedure is that we need to submit MDR (Member Data Record) and CF1 form with the signature of your employer. Worst is, you have to do this everytime you need a refill. That means every quarter or 4 times a year. What kind of excuses we need to always tell our employers? These requirements are usually requested whenever a person will be admitted in the hospital. If our employers suspected that we are in quarterly basis, request for these documentations, would it raise their eyebrows and ask if we are still fit to work? If none in our annual medical exam shows finding, would it be more questionnable in their part why they need to provide us these documents on a quarterly basis. I asked what is the purpose of this documentation, they only wanted to make sure thatcontributions are made. Why cant we submit our payslip instead? Or any other proof that we make our contributions on a regular basis.

Come on Philhealth peeps, we appreciate your efforts for us, but please do not make a quicksand and let us pozzies be sucked into it. Please do not make it harder for us. We hope that you understand our situation. Sometimes it is not living with this disease that is harder, but keeping it as a secret. We really hope you can review your policies because it is getting harder for us. I hope this will not be one of the reason why some of us will stop taking medications or will hinder some people to get tested because of the hassles.

It is not new to us that in our society, there is still stigma on this disease and most (if not all) pozzies do not want to reveal their identity in their workplace. Besides, we cannot afford to leave our work. We became a burden to our family with the news, and we do not want to make it even harder for them by being a bum. Even though we have this little monsters, we still have dreams for our family.

Please support us.

Yours,

Potchini2

An open letter to a blogger

I was browsing over the net and I came up reading a blog related to what I have right now. His blog is actually one of the blogs that I follow which is named "the positive life" specifically his post titled "Tired Enough". (It was coincidental that we titled our blogs the same way, though he came first). It broke my heart. I was about to reply to his post but I thought I will be out of space and having this in my post could also help my viewers. I really hope so... and so I will make an open letter to you Mr. Positive.

My eyes almost popped when I saw that you stopped taking ARVs for three days. I was shattered. I know you are depressed because of your situation but I cant help myself to be disappointed for a while. The reason is that people have prayed a lot for these treatments to come for years, we are actually in a much better era than the time that this little monsters in us were discovered. Also, you may not be familiar with the risks of resistance to drugs by skipping doses. You are not only taking the risk of resistance to that drug but also, to the LINE of drug that you are taking. Meaning, resistance to one drug could equate to resistance to other ARVs. I am sympathetic because I learned to love my drug now, hoping that I will not change my medicines AGAIN. Yes you read it right... AGAIN. This is because I have changed my medicine twice already and that this is my third option. The reason is because I was allergic to the first two sets of medicine they wanted me to take.

I was confined due to my allergies. I was hospitalized. I was secluded from my family because RITM is far from my place. Being away for 4 days knowing that I am crushing their hearts even if I cant see them is more heart breaking than the rashes that I see in my skin. Mind you, it was just a normal rash but it was thought to have a Steven Johnson Syndrome.

Please give me the benefit of the doubt to tell you that I KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL. I think I know the reason why you stopped taking ARVs. I also felt that way although I opted to think about it first before actually doing it. If death will come, it will come... besides, why would I want to live a long life when it will be full of pretentions, judges and loneliness. Am I right? I am still in a battle but I can tell you to hold on. Look at your family, the people you love, the people that makes you smile, the people who makes you smile. They are the reason to live. It is not YOU alone... it is YOU and THEM. You are given the chance to know who to give your love with, and if your love is not reciprocated even by a simple respect... they dont deserve you. POUR your love to those people who makes you smile, those people who makes you want to live atleast another day... they deserve you.

There was a time, when I was depressed, alone in my room... it was very dark. I called HIM. I asked him questions. My mouth moves but no words can be heard as I dont want anyone to hear me. I cried. And you know what, the same time I felt HIS presence. I cannot describe it but tears started to fall from my eyes and I am pretty sure HE heard me. I did not have an actual response from HIM but I know we talked. I felt HIM. I felt his presence. And that time... that very moment. I felt very light and easy... away from the judgemental world that we have. We shouldnt be bothered anymore of what others may say, but I assure you. GOD is accepting us. I believe there is a reason for this disease. Let this be a reason why you would like to savor each day, each sunlight, each raindrop. Yes we will all vanish from this world, but not all is given the chance to make you realize that you want to savor every moment. If you cant lean on anything... lean on HIM.

I will give you a little story, yesterday I was rushing to the office. I cant be late. Ive done everything I could but it seems that time is against me. All of a sudden something came in to my mind. That whatever effort that I will make, if I will be late... I will be late. And then I whispered, "God, you know my effort for this day, I lift it up to you".Surprisingly, as I entered MRT turnstile, the train is already coming and I was in it without waiting which is unusual. After I came to my station, I was able to pick a shuttle directly to my office, in short... I was 3 minutes ahead of time... and I knew all the time He was helping me...

Why did I shared that? The reason is I want to tell you HE knows what WE are going through. There are points where we want to do things our way... Things to fall to what we plan it to be.. but when thing goes in a different direction, trust GOD as HE has a plan on us. He sees our grievances, our struggles. Cant we compensate him a little? Even by a little "fight for the life HE gave us?"

Also, I am aware of the fact that the society is prejudicial against us... the same reason why I do not disclose my identity. But bear in mind that they do not have a right to discriminate or judge us as we are all sinners. We may be unlucky to catch this disease but most have done the same mistake we once did, and most likely... WORST.

Surround yourself with things that makes you happy... CHEER UP! We wouldnt call blogs "POSITIVELIFE" for nothing right?

I will listen.

Your new blog friend,

Potchini2

Gerascophobia

Before you raise your eyebrows on a very unpopular phobia, let me define this to you first:

Gerascophobia is based on anxieties of being left alone, without resources and incapable of caring for oneself. Sufferers may be young and healthy.


I think this all started with a dream. Years ago, I remember having a dream wherein nobody sees me. Everything seems to be normal, everything seems to do their usual routines... except that I am invinsible. I am not sure what I am in my dream but what I am sure of is nobody notices me. Simple dream right? But I woke up with a fast beating heart and a very thankful soul that it was just a dream. After that, I believe... I had issues of being lonely... not alone.

I can be alone... at my option. I wanted space for most of the time. I dwell in my room. I do my things the way I wanted to do it, but I dont want to realize, hey, I am alone here.

My first issue when I tested positive is not that I will die early, but, what if I grow old and Ill be alone? Wag naman sana magagalit sa akin si Lord (Lord love you!) pero I think He knows that I wanted to GO first before my parents, pero syempre not in an immediate future. I think the reason is quite selfish. They already have siblings, they will be taken cared of... pero ako... I cant have siblings, I cant have my own family. Well scientifically I can, but ofcourse I need to disclose my status to the one that I will decide to be with for my entire life. BUT, for now, I have no plans of disclosing to anyone else... not even if it means Ill be growing old single. SAKLAP. The reason? I want to protect my family. Ayaw ko madamay sila sa bunga ng pagkakamali ko.

I hope I could combat this fear. Imagine ,my greatest fear is starting to come as day passes by. I know GOD has plans for me. Kung mapapansin nyo may pagka pessimist ako no? Minsan nga naiisip ko mas nakakabuti ba para sa akin ang blog na ito para may outlet ako o mas nagiging emo lang ata ako. haha.


Minsan nakakagulat, dun sa account ko sa planet romeo (hiv_potchi), imbis na ako yung makatulong... ako pa natutulungan. I almost had teary eyes reading some of the messages na natatanggap ko. Ito yung tatlo isha share ko...

"GOD is ABLE. i know there's no cure yet. Be positive! :) kaya mo yan. "
.
.
.
You will never grow old alone trust me.
.
.
.

"i read all of your blogs. and i cant hold by breath and imagine. how courageous you are. there are some people there who cant accept the truth behind bars.

Honestly, your blogs would help others specially to non believers and promiscuous peeps around.

Even 1% contribution of awareness to the society would mean a lot.

Kudos to you Potchi!"


Sana naman may natutulungan talaga itong blog na ito. Im not sure if may mga nagbabasa ba talaga pero sana kahit papaano nakakatulong ako. Sa mga nagmessage sa akin, salamat talaga ha!

Yours,

June

And so it is June? e anu naman? haha! I just decided to create my first write up.

What do I expect sa June? ULAN! whew! Cant imagine myself going to work and hurdle through the waves of edsa and the annoying traffic, not to mention being "basang sisiw". haha. wag no sabihin na hindi nyo naranasan yan. Also, I have to prepare for my health... I havent been sick in the longest years but I wont take chance. Haha. Im contemplating on having regular vitamins on top of my ARVs. Ayaw ko naman bugbugin si Liver ko. pero sabi naman nila doc pwede naman daw ako mag vitamins.

Also for June, I will be going back to my treatment hub (see you there but dont expect na maguusap tayo) for my annual exams. lahat yata ichecheck uli. And darn, for some reasons it gives me creeps kasi i dont want to know my CD4 count is goping down. I had a huge leap after I took my medicines and I dont want to change meds kasi na trauma na ata ako. yung first set of regimen ko is not very friendly for me. So guys kung may nagbabasa naman neto hingi ako ng prayers ha...

In my previous post, I mentioned that I created a PR Account to set as a reminder to people who are still promiscuous. And mind you... may basher sa account ko! Ayoko na lang ilagay ang username nya pero this is the flow of conversation:

Him: Taga Marikina ka ba talaga?
Hiv_potchi: Nope. Ginamit ko lang yan location na yan. bakit takot ka?
Him: Oo baka marami ka na nakasex dito e.
Hiv_potchi: Ah ganun ba, dont worry kasi tingin ko naman di kita mahahawaan. Una konti lang naman nakasex ko, pangalawa sure ako na hindi tau nagsex kasi hindi kita papatulan. Pangatlo, yung mga nakasex ko malamang may taste din sila. so for sure wala ka sa network ko.

 Haha. Hindi verbatim yang conversation na yan pero yan yung thought. di ko kasi nasave yung conversation history. Anyways kasalanan ko rin kasi pinatulan ko pa. Pero as blunt as I am, hindi ko talaga papatulan yung taong yun. haha. nakakatawa kasi siguro yun na lang outlet nya at akala nya porke may HIV ako e nawala na ang confidence ko sa sarili ko. Well, I will never let anybody stoop at me.

I have well established my confidence, I am a professional. I know I have looks and I know what my worth is. I am doing this as an advocacy and not a license to belittle my personality from a random unsubstantiated guy.

Having this virus doesnt make me lesser of a person than any normal being alive. We are all in equal footing. Bash me and you only gave me a reason to crush your spirits. hehe tapang no.

I just want to prove something. HIV is a disease. Its in the community. Its a natural thing being in existence for more than 30 years. Its not a sinner's curse. We are all sinners afterall... who are we to judge somebody else?

MABUHAY! HAHAHA


Yours,

Potchini2



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Pahabol, nagmessage pa sya after ko ipost tong blog ko.

dimas lalong d nman ako papatol sa nabubiulok na katawan tulad mo pati nga utak mo bulok na bulok na..at d ako papatol sa me HIV tulad mo na d maip[akita ang muka siguradong bulok na bulok na muka mo........kung pangit ako mas pangit ka .......kaya iyan ang binigay asa iyo ni lord di ako nag tataka ...........ang mga bulok na tulad mo bulok din ang pinapatulan........ewwwwwweeeee HIV positive......iyan ang bagay sa iyo..........MAMATAY KANG MAAAGNAS..........BUTI NGA SA IYO NAGKA HIV KA ANG FULL BLOWN POSITIVE.........


Kilabutan ka ginagamit mo pa pangalan ni Lord for this senseless statement. ilalagay ko pa rin ba ang username nito? makakatulong ba yun? HMMM....

Dont make me wish for the opposite of what youve told me. Ayoko iwish na sana hindi ka mamatay. hahaha

HIV Registry

Counting... one of the first basic trainings that we have since childhood. But this time, I am not happy with the kind of count that I learned. Another set, in hundreds, were found to be positive in April this year alone... this year also marked the biggest number of new HIV positive cases in the Philippines. Hold on to your seats, as I give you the latest count:

January 2012     212
February 2012   274
March 2012       313
APRIL 2012     233

I will emphasize, these are figures in the Philippines alone and in year 2012! We have a total of 1,032 for year 2012 and 9,396 from 1984-2012. Can you guys imagine how big this figuire is?
from 1984-2012, which is 28 years, 2012 alone takes the 11% of total HIV cases AND this is only for four months! Teka anu ba ibig sabihin nun? Ibig sabihin nun karamihan ng 9396 na yan ay nanggaling sa 2012, what more kung hanggang December.

Ok mas padaliin natin, gawin nating taon, simulan natin sa 2009... partida...

2009                                      835
2010                                   1,591
2011                                   2,349
2012 (as of April alone)    1,032

Let me interpret the data, sa apat na buwan ngaun 2012, nahigitan na natin ang isang buong taon ng 2009, halos maabutan na natin ang 2010, at halos kalahati na ng 2011. Another view is that in these data approximately 3 and 1/3 years from 2009 to April 2012, the total percentage is 62% of the total HIV cases from 1984. Anu ibig sabihin nun? Ang bulto ng HIV cases is from the recent years with a sharp growth. Yes, we should be alarmed...

Also, let me reiterate that these cases are voluntary tests (as I assume since it is prohibited to force someone to take the test). Ilan pa kaya ang HIV positive na hindi alam ang status nila? They should know their status for their health and to protect their partners as well.

I am not sure if I am happy with the increase of numbers that we have, not because I am happy that they are positive, but because I am happy that people starts to learn the importance of being tested and knowing their status. Dalawa lang naman ang dahilan kung bakit tumataas ang count di ba? Either dumadami talaga ang HIV positive.. or ngayon lang marami nagpapatest at natatagpuan na positive sila dahil sa umiigting na kampanya against the virus.

I hope the counting ends. I hope the HIV registry count declines and my CD4 increases! haha nasingit ko pa yun... haayyayayay! Nga pala magpapa count na uli ako for my annual test... ayun... KABADO... Ill try to make a post regarding CD4 count soon.

God bless us.

Yours,

Potchini2

Planet Romeo

Yesterday I decided to create a planet romeo account. Primarily because I want the people to know that this virus exist and this is just around the community. Your classmate, friends, partner, family or even YOU may already have caught one.

Naalala ko lang nung panahon na nalaman ko kung paanu ko nalaman na meron ako. Wala ako ka ide-idea na meron na ako. I was never sick. I cant even remember the last time that I have been feeling unwell even simple colds. Wala talaga ako nararamdaman ng kung anu ano. And because I started to hear some advocacies about the test, I just gave it a try... I also had my share of irresponsibilities, I guess lahat naman tayo at some point in our lives e nakagawa ng isang bagay na hindi masyado pinagiisipan, kaso ako... ayun, BINGGO. Until now I am still thinking if I did the right thing because it really affeted me emotionally. I want to have my own family, or kahit magkaanak man lang. Ayoko din tumanda magisa. These are some of the things  that I still  have in my mind right now...
EVEN AFTER A YEAR OF BEING DIAGNOSED.

Another reason why I created the account is to compensate for my deficiencies. Magpapakatotoo na ako, you may hate me, but I cannot divulge my identity to those that I date. I dont have the strentgh to tell that I am positive. The reason is that I am afraid that it backfires to my family, not to me... I cant trust this kind of stigma associated virus to anyone na madulas lang e sira na ang buhay ng pamilya ko.. I also think na mas nakakatakot pa ang mga hindi alam ang status nila dahil sila ang may mas malaking chances to infect.  I believe that this kind of sickness is shared responsibility, the reason why I did not searched for the possible person whom I caught this, Do not expect that people who tested positive are all heroes that they will deprive themselves of their needs just to protect you. I hate it when they call themselves victims, Hello! nung ginawa nyo yun dalawa kayo may gusto hehe.Isa pa, I take my pills (which reduces the chance of transmission of  more than 90%) and I never have sex without condoms. Ok, that being said, ako na matapang sa mga mapanghusgang pwedeng magbasa nito, dahil I know there are positives who does but does not tell. Why do I put this in my blog, I WANT YOU NON POSITIVES TO NOT TO DEPEND ON POZZIES FOR YOUR HEALTH. TAKE CHARGE.

AYoko maging plastik, nung nalaman ko na ganito ako hindi naging bato ang puso ko. ako pa rin yung dating ako mula nung bata hanggang ngaun. Nasasaktan, nalulungkot at ayaw matrato na parang isang salot. I am very productive and I decided to do this blog to help.

Hay ang bigat.

Anyways I received a message yesterday sa PR and I wanted to share it with you:

alam mo gusto kita makilala gusto ko malaman pinag dadaanan mo,,, wala man akong sakit ng gaya ng sayo... di naman ako yung natatakot mag karoon ng ganyang karamdaman,, ang sa akin eh magawa ko kung ano ang masaya ako.. tama ka isang beses lang nabubuhay ang isang tao.. kaya na sa sa iyo na yun kung paano mo ito gagamitin... lagi ko babasahin diary mo.. you makes me inspired di ko alam kung paano o kung saan.

SALAMAT SAYO. ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit naglakas loob ako na ilabas na itong part ng nasa isip ko.

Yours,

Potchini2

Dream

Last night I woke up in the middle of my sleep. I am not sure why but I felt sad. Extremely sad. I grabbed my phone and surfed the net and does my usual routine, check the status of any pending cure research against the little monsters that I have. Haha crazy right? I am not sure why I always do that but I believe that a cure can be found within my lifetime.

Anyways, pinili ko pa rin matulog dahil may pasok pa ako sa opisina. Otherwise bangenge na naman ako sa office and I wouldnt be able to perform my task as much as I want to. (ako na workaholic!)

In my dream, I was in a hotel, in a hotel, there was a dirty lake.. and ang daming bangaw. Oo, bangaw! mga malalaking langaw. na habang nakikipagkuwentuhan ako sa mga kaibigan ko may mga bangaw na tumatama sa dibdib ko. pinagpappaatay ko ang mga bangaw at ng makita ko ang dami ko talagang nakita. umalis ako sa lugar na yon pero nauhaw ako... bumalik pa ako para uminom ng iced tea. haha panaginip nga naman o!

And then I woke up. I know it has meanings. I grabbed my phone and checked the net if I can find meaning of it... and I was astounded with what I read...

Flies 
To see flies in your dream symbolize filth and dirtiness, either physical or emotional. It indicates feelings of guilt or a breakdown of a plan. Flies may also forewarn of a contagious sickness. Alternatively, the fly could represent an irritating and annoying person in your life. Perhaps someone does not know how to mind their business.

To dream that you kill or exterminate the flies indicate that you will redeem yourself and regain your honor after your fall from grace.

To see a white colored fly in your dream represents death. This may not necessarily be a physical death, but a metaphorical death. You will be undergoing some significant change to your lifestyle.

Lake

To see a lake in your dream signifies your emotional state of mind. You feel restricted and that you can't express your emotions freely. Alternatively, the lake may provide you with solace, security, and peace of mind. If the lake is clear and calm, then it symbolizes your inner peace. If the lake is disturbed, then you may be going through some emotional turmoil.

Well then, I think I am still in an emotional coaster. But I know that I can win this battle. Simply because I know I will only live once. And I must live the most of it. Natuwa ako sa meaning na napatay ko ang mga langaw.That I will redeem my self. I know I will. WIth God's grace and my family's support I know I will. I know I will. I have no other choice.... losing is not an option...

May gusto ako ishare kung may nagbabasa man nito... tungkol sa lovelife... pero saka na kapag malakas na ang loob ko sa mga maaaring manghusga sa akin.... tutal this is my page, and I am using this to free my self... 

Goodnight

Yours,

Potchini2

My 1st Entry

After a year of being diagnosed as HIV positive, I learned how to read blogs and monitor fellow POS how they live their lifes. It made me feel somewhat "normal" after learning their success and struggles. That everything that I am going through is what they also felt. That I am not alone..

Hindi ako magpapakaplastik to tell that I am completely healed. There are still what ifs and what could have beens in my head. I am still struggling. And I want to be transparent with that. After all, I am still human. This little things inside me should never dictate how I will live my life. I am much bigger than it.

Yeah! Its an everyday struggle. learning to live positively.. ano pa ba mawawala... positive na nga... :)

Yours,

Potchini2