God Why Me?

 



 

I think it is nature of a human to dream and live a life based on what we want it to be. So do I. Everyone has the right to pursue their dreams, to get things that they wanted. After all, we only live once, better make the most out of it.

 

But sometimes during the journey, we come accross different hurdles in life and realize that life isnt a smooth road to just pass through. During our travel, there are things that happens that even makes our destination bent to a different road. It is then that we realize that we should let reality takeover where dreams sit in.

 

I dreamt of being a very successful professional since I was a child. To wear corporate attires, be respected and not be treated as a typical mediocre. I know I have personality, I am intelligent... I have the equipments to get to the dreams where I want to be. But in the course of achieving those dreams, I learned that I am HIV positive.

 

The initial reaction was to stop. Look around me and realized... Im lost. In the midst of thinkining that I am closer to where I wanted to be, I noticed that I am alone. I was blinded by my goals to see the more important things that matters to me. I lost time to my family, my friends... and my self. It is obvious that you should ove yourself over work but it is sometimes hard to identify that you are being eaten by your dreams.

 

HIV made me stop, it even made me let go of some of my aspirations and get hold of things that really matters to me. I am now in the point where Ive learned to appreciate things that makes me happy, those who constantly makes me feel loved. It is not as easy as it sounds, I know I am an achiever, a hard worker. But everytime I am contained by so many things I pause for a while.

 

Many would ask, God... why me?! Are you punishing me for being bad? Am I that bad?! And after a while I asked my self again... why not me?! I would like to share this question to you my dear readers (if there are any). Everytime you you ask God why you? Ask yourself... why not? You are not more special than anyone else. We are equals in the eyes of God. Everything has a purpose and it may take time to unveil. And we are not given tests because He wants us to be punished. He loves us, He gave his only son to save us. No amount of love is higher than offering His son despite His being the most powerful, just to save us. I must admit, I never dreamed of catching HIV, nor I want to have it if I have an option... but this virus made me become a better version of myself.

 

I need to continue life... the gift that He gave me. And everytime I drink my meds, there starts my battle to protect the life that He entrusted me.

 

After 2 years of being positive, I am now lifting my baggage again. I must start my journey towards my dreams, but now, the things inside my bag is not just knowledge, aspirations and hardwork, I have brought with me the love that keeps me going and will ensure that I have them until the end.

 

Lets celebrate the love of our God this Holy Week.

 

Yours,

 

Potchini2

Its December!

 

 

Hello guys! Miss me? I myself was surprised that the last entry I made in this blog was last Sept 15! For real??? And Ive been thinking all the time what to share with you! So it took me 3 months to do it? Nah! Actually while writing this blog I dont have an idea what to post yet and Ill let spontaneity dictates!

Its actually 4:49 AM now and I dont know what is happening in my body clock since I always wake up in the middle of the night and finds it hard to go back to bed again. I dont want to think much about it and try to relate it to Paranormal Activity because Im sure that wont give a lot of help. So instead of thinking about these crazy things I decided! My blog! Yes my blog!

I have been receiving a lot of messages and feedbacks from different people that they have been waiting for my updates. What I always tell them is that I dont have something "new" yet to share. But sometime in my solitude I wonder, do I really have nothing to share or am I just building a lot of walls towards giving out my identity. I heard that one of the positive blogger is identified by his random follower. I cant get the idea why you need to create an effort to identify a person who is trying to be anonimous?! I mean definitely in our case, we need to keep our individuality in private and we are blogging not for anything else, but to help the community in our little own ways. I guess I need not reiterate and common sense dictates that let us just give that respect to people who doesnt want to be identified and just continue their social works. Makes sense right? I guess this is one of the major reason why I failed to have this blog updated as often as I like it to be.

Still, I decided that this blog is helping me too. It helps me release stress. Also, I guess the page view says it all! I am quite surprised that the number is still growing despite my absence these past few months. This doesnt only mean thats my page is starting to get some attention but it also means that there are a lot of people trying to find answers and they are hoping that I could help them through my blog. This blog is not only dedicated to inform people about HIV but to educate others how an HIV positive guy is still living a normal or moreso, a much fabulous life. Joking. Well, half meant... hmmm, ok since you dont know me and you cant dispute that then I will claim it. FABULOUS it is!

December, I went to RITM to get a refill of my ARV when suddenly the attending nurse threw a lot of questions. When did you first started with ARV? Am I still smoking? And all those questions which I thought not being normally asked when just getting a refill. Long talks have gone by and he mentioned that I need to get my CD4 count this December. CRAP! I am not ready yet. I think I am not yet in full condition because of the stress that I am going through and I was planning for January to have the count. I am quite afraid everytime Ill get my CD4 count because it is like a test if youre passing or failing. Well, after I started ARV I have good count and I dont really want to stress myself out thinking if Im still doing a good job. What if my CD4 dropped, it will ony throw me to bed and be depressed for couple of months. But this is the life that I have now, being monitored should be a part of the lifestyle that I should get used to. And come to think of it, lucky me that I am still in a perfect health condition when I discovered I have these little monsters. BTW you monsters, its December now! I think its time for you to get of my system, all of you! LOL

Going back to that nurse, he started telling me that I should be careful because I am already in my second line of ARV. If ever that my regimen fails again Philhealth cannot accomodate it and I have to import my own drugs and all that I earn now is not enough to cover that expense. Well nurse, THANKS A LOT! I dont see the purpose of hammering that in my mind if I dont see the benefit of you telling that to me. I like to answer right at that moment, "are you telling me that I am a hopeless dying freak that I am holding on to my last piece of string to live?". How was that even helpful? Did he wanted me to go to bed, do a fetal position and be depressed? I know he wanted to warn me and I hope those kind of things should be solicited. I have been doing my very best in this regimen. I have not missed a pill in 1.5 years of taking it although sometimes I am late. But I think Im doing good! But for a nurse who should be helping us and guiding us through our journey, it is my humble opinion that I think he should think of reconsidering his ways.

Enough of this! My Alarm just went wild and I need to prepare for office. I should go for now and I hope I can update this blog as often as I could.

BY THE WAY...

It si December! YEHEY! Only positive things are welcome! This is the time to spend for family, friends and loved ones. Let us celebrate the season with love and with a thankful heart how we are saved by our Lord Jesus Christ. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU!

Yours,

Potchini2

My Two Cents

I have been reading a lot of blogs and write-ups regarding HIV and living with the virus after I was tested positive, including the laws that "controls" the virus. I agree to most of them but there really is something that I cannot absorb...

"HIV criminalization due to ptotected/unprotected sex."
"HIV positives should be careful not to infect others."
" It is more acceptable if HIV positives would find a partner with the same status."

Most tackles about this topic. Although this provides sense, what I cannot swallow is that everything is focused now how HIV positives should act to protect the community.

I tested positive and I was so depressed that I dont want to get into that emotional coaster in my life again.But after reading some of the articles, I noticed my self unconciously believeing that HIV positives are a different specie. I almost accepted that I am not who I was. I saw myself as a destructive weapon and would sometimes believe that if there is a global movement for HIV postive genocide, I should participate. That this only way to be responsible, and to stop HIV. I just saw myself as part of HIV registry count and forgot that I am ONE, ONE who has his own identity and being gifted by GOD of a life to live. That is how I used to see myself because of what the society pushes me to believe. And there comes realization....

It pushed me back the day I heard the news that I am infected by the virus. I also asked myself who I got this disease from? But that is not the major question that bothered me. I thought more of how I cannot spread the virus more than think first of how I should live my life from then on to keep myself healthy. I guess Ive been responsible with that line of thinking. But what is the point of letting HIV postives feel that they have the sole responsibility to take care of the society's health and well being??? I believe that I would be given the benefit of the doubt to know what I am talking about because I am in the right shoe to express being an HIV positive, but I never tried to search who I got this from for me to blame that person. If there is someone to blame, it is myself. I am the one who is primarily responsible of taking care of my own life and be on top of the choices that I make. But why all of a sudden, I should be burdened by the though that I should be more responsible for others health?

I hope im addressing my point clearly. I CONDEMN those HIV positives for willingly infecting others, but I DISPUTE the idea that HIV positives are MORE responsible for the health of others.

Being HIV positive, we are well equipped with the fact that we should always practice safe sex, that is the responsibility we ARE ALL BURDENED. That is the reality that we should face. But more than that, being bombarded by opinions that we should isolate ourselves like a different human class, that is enough. I AM ONE. I AM STILL WHO I WAS before the virus.

THE SOCIETY SHOULD NOT ONLY RELY ON US to keep the community away from the virus. If everyone will be aware of how they SHOULD take care of their own health, that could make a big difference. AND THAT IS THE CHALLENGE!


Yours,

Potchini2

Symptoms and Hubs

Funny that I created this blog for my advocacy but I think I missed something... to write about the symptoms and the testing/treatment hubs here in the Philippines. If not for some of my followers messaging me, I wouldnt have an idea to post that, maybe because I focused on writing how a Pozzie (HIV positive) can live a normal life like I do. Yan kasi ang nakatulong sa akin nung newly diagnosed ako. I should have blogged this earlier but here it goes!!!

Details c/o @iamhivpositivem


METRO MANILA

Philippine General Hospital (PGH)
Taft Avenue, Ermita, Manila
Dr. Jodor Lim & Ms. Dominga C. Gomez, HACT, SAGIP / PGH
Tel: (+632) 554-8400 local 3238

Research Institute for Tropical Medicine (RITM)
Filinvest Corporate City, Alabang, Muntinlupa City
Dr. Rossana A. Ditangco, Head, HIV Research Unit
Tel: (+632) 807-2628 or 38 local 801/208

San Lazaro Hospital (SLH)
Quiricada St., Sta. Cruz, Manila
Dr. Rosario Jessica Tactacan-Abrenica, Medical Specialist II /
HACT Leader and Head, HIV/AIDS Pavilion
Tel: (+632) 309-9528 to 29; 740-8301 loc 6000


LUZON

Baguio General Hospital and Medical Center (BGHMC)
Baguio City
Dr. Maria Lorena L. Santos, HACT Leader / Medical Officer II

Bicol Regional Training & Teaching Hospital
Legaspi City, Albay
Dr. Rogelio G. Rivera, Chief of Hospital III
Tel: (+6352) 483-0016 ; 483-0086; 483-0017

Cagayan Valley Medical Center
Tuguegarao City, Cagayan Valley

Ilocos Training and Regional Medical Center (ITRMC)
San Fernando, La Union
Dr. Jeisela B. Gaerlan, Medical Specialist II / HACT Leader
Tel: (+6372) 700-3808

Jose B. Lingad Memorial Medical Center
San Fernando, Pampanga

VISAYAS

Corazon Locsin Montelibano Memorial Regional Hospital
Lacson St., Bacolod City, Negros Occidental
Dr. Candido Alam, HACT Leader / Medical Specialist
Tel: (+6334) 435-1591 ; 433-2697

Vicente Sotto, Sr. Memorial Medical Center
B. Rodriguez St., Cebu City 6000
Dr. Maria Consuelo B. Malaga, HACT Leader
Tel: (+6332) 253-7564

Western Visayas Medical Center
Q. Abeto St., Mandurriao, 5000 Iloilo City
Dr. Ray Celis, HACT Leader / Medical Specialist III
Tel: (+6333) 321-2841 to 50

MINDANAO

Davao Medical Center
J.P. Laurel St., Bajada, 8000 Davao City
Dr. Alicia Layug, HACT Leader
Tel: (+6381) 227-2731

Zamboanga City Medical Center
Evangelista St., 7000 Zamboanga City
Dr. Jejunee Rivera, HACT Leader / Medical Officer III
Tel: (+6362) 991-0573

Or visit/inquire at your nearest Social Hygiene Clinics (Special STI Clinics) and City or Municipal Health Offices at the local level. Here are a few in Metro Manila:

Manila Social Hygiene Clinic
2nd Floor, 208 Quiricada Street, Sta. Cruz, Manila
Dr. Diana Mendoza or Malou Tan, RN
Tel: (+632) 711-6942

Caloocan Social Hygiene Clinic
Caloocan Health Department, A. Mabini St., Caloocan
Dr. Zenaida Calupaz
Tel: (+632) 288-8811 local 2281

Makati Social Hygiene Clinic
7th Floor, Makati City Hall, J.P. Rizal St., Makati City
Dr. Calixto Salud or Teresita Pagcaliwagan, RN
Tel: (+632) 870-1615

Mandaluyong Social Hygiene Clinic
Lerma corner Vicencio Sts., Old Zaniga, Mandaluyong
Dr. Yolanda Tuaño
Tel: (+632) 546-7799 ; 211-5336

Pasay Social Hygiene Clinic
Rm. 106, Pasay City Hall, F.B. Harrison St., Pasay City
Dr. Loretta Garcia
Tel: (+632) 551-4180

Pasig Social Hygiene Clinic
5th Floor, Pasig City Hall, Caruncho Ave., Pasig City
Dr. Rocylene Roque or Dennis Espina
Tel: (+632) 640-0111 ; 642-7754; 640-2058

Quezon City Social Hygiene Clinic – Batasan
Batasan Hills, Quezon City
Dr. Dottie Mercado
Tel: (+63) 0905 357-6353

Quezon City Social Hygiene Clinic – P. Bernardo
Cubao, Quezon City
Dr. Suzette Encisa
Tel: (+63) 0916 478-1607

Quezon City Social Hygiene Clinic – Project 7
Project 7, Quezon City
Dr. Monina Santos
Tel: (+63) 0918 618-4133


For the Symptoms:

Many people do not develop symptoms after they first get infected with HIV. Others have a history of a flu-like illness within several days to weeks after exposure to the virus. Early HIV symptoms also include fever, headache, tiredness, and enlarged lymph nodes in the neck. These symptoms usually disappear on their own within a few weeks. After that, the person feels normal and has no symptoms. This asymptomatic phase often lasts for years.

The progression of disease varies widely among individuals. This state may last from a few months to more than 10 years.

• During this period, the virus continues to multiply actively and infects and kills the cells of the immune system.
• The virus destroys the cells that are the primary infection fighters, a type of white blood cell called CD4 cells.
• Even though the person has no symptoms, he or she is contagious and can pass HIV to others through the routes listed above.

AIDS is the later stage of HIV infection, when the body begins losing its ability to fight infections. Once the CD4 cell count falls low enough, an infected person is said to have AIDS. Sometimes, the diagnosis of AIDS is made because the person has unusual infections or cancers that show how weak the immune system is.

• The infections that happen with AIDS are called opportunistic infections because they take advantage of the opportunity to infect a weakened host. The infections include (but are not limited to)
• pneumonia caused by Pneumocystis, which causes wheezing;
• brain infection with toxoplasmosis which can cause trouble thinking or symptoms that mimic a stroke;
• widespread infection with a bacteria called MAC (mycobacterium avium complex) which can cause fever and weight loss;
• yeast infection of the swallowing tube (esophagus) which causes pain with swallowing;
• widespread diseases with certain fungi like histoplasmosis, which can cause fever, cough, anemia, and other problems.
• A weakened immune system can also lead to other unusual conditions:
• lymphoma in (a form of cancer of the lymphoid tissue) in the brain, which can cause fever and trouble thinking;
• a cancer of the soft tissues called Kaposi's sarcoma, which causes brown, reddish, or purple spots that develop on the skin or in the mouth.

As for me, I did not have any of the symptoms. I actually got curious of my HIV status that is why I had myself tested. I think we can have a rule of thumb here:

If you exposed yourself even once to any rosk that can make you catch this little monsters, you owe yourself a treat... that is... having yourself test.

Yours,

Potchini2

Philhealth requirements

There is currently a national initiative to help those HIV Positives to cope up with the medical expenses through Philhealth. Thank you. It is really useful for us but I believe there are more improvements that could be made especially when trying to avail your benefits.

The current procedure is that we need to submit MDR (Member Data Record) and CF1 form with the signature of your employer. Worst is, you have to do this everytime you need a refill. That means every quarter or 4 times a year. What kind of excuses we need to always tell our employers? These requirements are usually requested whenever a person will be admitted in the hospital. If our employers suspected that we are in quarterly basis, request for these documentations, would it raise their eyebrows and ask if we are still fit to work? If none in our annual medical exam shows finding, would it be more questionnable in their part why they need to provide us these documents on a quarterly basis. I asked what is the purpose of this documentation, they only wanted to make sure thatcontributions are made. Why cant we submit our payslip instead? Or any other proof that we make our contributions on a regular basis.

Come on Philhealth peeps, we appreciate your efforts for us, but please do not make a quicksand and let us pozzies be sucked into it. Please do not make it harder for us. We hope that you understand our situation. Sometimes it is not living with this disease that is harder, but keeping it as a secret. We really hope you can review your policies because it is getting harder for us. I hope this will not be one of the reason why some of us will stop taking medications or will hinder some people to get tested because of the hassles.

It is not new to us that in our society, there is still stigma on this disease and most (if not all) pozzies do not want to reveal their identity in their workplace. Besides, we cannot afford to leave our work. We became a burden to our family with the news, and we do not want to make it even harder for them by being a bum. Even though we have this little monsters, we still have dreams for our family.

Please support us.

Yours,

Potchini2

June

And so it is June? e anu naman? haha! I just decided to create my first write up.

What do I expect sa June? ULAN! whew! Cant imagine myself going to work and hurdle through the waves of edsa and the annoying traffic, not to mention being "basang sisiw". haha. wag no sabihin na hindi nyo naranasan yan. Also, I have to prepare for my health... I havent been sick in the longest years but I wont take chance. Haha. Im contemplating on having regular vitamins on top of my ARVs. Ayaw ko naman bugbugin si Liver ko. pero sabi naman nila doc pwede naman daw ako mag vitamins.

Also for June, I will be going back to my treatment hub (see you there but dont expect na maguusap tayo) for my annual exams. lahat yata ichecheck uli. And darn, for some reasons it gives me creeps kasi i dont want to know my CD4 count is goping down. I had a huge leap after I took my medicines and I dont want to change meds kasi na trauma na ata ako. yung first set of regimen ko is not very friendly for me. So guys kung may nagbabasa naman neto hingi ako ng prayers ha...

In my previous post, I mentioned that I created a PR Account to set as a reminder to people who are still promiscuous. And mind you... may basher sa account ko! Ayoko na lang ilagay ang username nya pero this is the flow of conversation:

Him: Taga Marikina ka ba talaga?
Hiv_potchi: Nope. Ginamit ko lang yan location na yan. bakit takot ka?
Him: Oo baka marami ka na nakasex dito e.
Hiv_potchi: Ah ganun ba, dont worry kasi tingin ko naman di kita mahahawaan. Una konti lang naman nakasex ko, pangalawa sure ako na hindi tau nagsex kasi hindi kita papatulan. Pangatlo, yung mga nakasex ko malamang may taste din sila. so for sure wala ka sa network ko.

 Haha. Hindi verbatim yang conversation na yan pero yan yung thought. di ko kasi nasave yung conversation history. Anyways kasalanan ko rin kasi pinatulan ko pa. Pero as blunt as I am, hindi ko talaga papatulan yung taong yun. haha. nakakatawa kasi siguro yun na lang outlet nya at akala nya porke may HIV ako e nawala na ang confidence ko sa sarili ko. Well, I will never let anybody stoop at me.

I have well established my confidence, I am a professional. I know I have looks and I know what my worth is. I am doing this as an advocacy and not a license to belittle my personality from a random unsubstantiated guy.

Having this virus doesnt make me lesser of a person than any normal being alive. We are all in equal footing. Bash me and you only gave me a reason to crush your spirits. hehe tapang no.

I just want to prove something. HIV is a disease. Its in the community. Its a natural thing being in existence for more than 30 years. Its not a sinner's curse. We are all sinners afterall... who are we to judge somebody else?

MABUHAY! HAHAHA


Yours,

Potchini2



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Pahabol, nagmessage pa sya after ko ipost tong blog ko.

dimas lalong d nman ako papatol sa nabubiulok na katawan tulad mo pati nga utak mo bulok na bulok na..at d ako papatol sa me HIV tulad mo na d maip[akita ang muka siguradong bulok na bulok na muka mo........kung pangit ako mas pangit ka .......kaya iyan ang binigay asa iyo ni lord di ako nag tataka ...........ang mga bulok na tulad mo bulok din ang pinapatulan........ewwwwwweeeee HIV positive......iyan ang bagay sa iyo..........MAMATAY KANG MAAAGNAS..........BUTI NGA SA IYO NAGKA HIV KA ANG FULL BLOWN POSITIVE.........


Kilabutan ka ginagamit mo pa pangalan ni Lord for this senseless statement. ilalagay ko pa rin ba ang username nito? makakatulong ba yun? HMMM....

Dont make me wish for the opposite of what youve told me. Ayoko iwish na sana hindi ka mamatay. hahaha

HIV Registry

Counting... one of the first basic trainings that we have since childhood. But this time, I am not happy with the kind of count that I learned. Another set, in hundreds, were found to be positive in April this year alone... this year also marked the biggest number of new HIV positive cases in the Philippines. Hold on to your seats, as I give you the latest count:

January 2012     212
February 2012   274
March 2012       313
APRIL 2012     233

I will emphasize, these are figures in the Philippines alone and in year 2012! We have a total of 1,032 for year 2012 and 9,396 from 1984-2012. Can you guys imagine how big this figuire is?
from 1984-2012, which is 28 years, 2012 alone takes the 11% of total HIV cases AND this is only for four months! Teka anu ba ibig sabihin nun? Ibig sabihin nun karamihan ng 9396 na yan ay nanggaling sa 2012, what more kung hanggang December.

Ok mas padaliin natin, gawin nating taon, simulan natin sa 2009... partida...

2009                                      835
2010                                   1,591
2011                                   2,349
2012 (as of April alone)    1,032

Let me interpret the data, sa apat na buwan ngaun 2012, nahigitan na natin ang isang buong taon ng 2009, halos maabutan na natin ang 2010, at halos kalahati na ng 2011. Another view is that in these data approximately 3 and 1/3 years from 2009 to April 2012, the total percentage is 62% of the total HIV cases from 1984. Anu ibig sabihin nun? Ang bulto ng HIV cases is from the recent years with a sharp growth. Yes, we should be alarmed...

Also, let me reiterate that these cases are voluntary tests (as I assume since it is prohibited to force someone to take the test). Ilan pa kaya ang HIV positive na hindi alam ang status nila? They should know their status for their health and to protect their partners as well.

I am not sure if I am happy with the increase of numbers that we have, not because I am happy that they are positive, but because I am happy that people starts to learn the importance of being tested and knowing their status. Dalawa lang naman ang dahilan kung bakit tumataas ang count di ba? Either dumadami talaga ang HIV positive.. or ngayon lang marami nagpapatest at natatagpuan na positive sila dahil sa umiigting na kampanya against the virus.

I hope the counting ends. I hope the HIV registry count declines and my CD4 increases! haha nasingit ko pa yun... haayyayayay! Nga pala magpapa count na uli ako for my annual test... ayun... KABADO... Ill try to make a post regarding CD4 count soon.

God bless us.

Yours,

Potchini2

Planet Romeo

Yesterday I decided to create a planet romeo account. Primarily because I want the people to know that this virus exist and this is just around the community. Your classmate, friends, partner, family or even YOU may already have caught one.

Naalala ko lang nung panahon na nalaman ko kung paanu ko nalaman na meron ako. Wala ako ka ide-idea na meron na ako. I was never sick. I cant even remember the last time that I have been feeling unwell even simple colds. Wala talaga ako nararamdaman ng kung anu ano. And because I started to hear some advocacies about the test, I just gave it a try... I also had my share of irresponsibilities, I guess lahat naman tayo at some point in our lives e nakagawa ng isang bagay na hindi masyado pinagiisipan, kaso ako... ayun, BINGGO. Until now I am still thinking if I did the right thing because it really affeted me emotionally. I want to have my own family, or kahit magkaanak man lang. Ayoko din tumanda magisa. These are some of the things  that I still  have in my mind right now...
EVEN AFTER A YEAR OF BEING DIAGNOSED.

Another reason why I created the account is to compensate for my deficiencies. Magpapakatotoo na ako, you may hate me, but I cannot divulge my identity to those that I date. I dont have the strentgh to tell that I am positive. The reason is that I am afraid that it backfires to my family, not to me... I cant trust this kind of stigma associated virus to anyone na madulas lang e sira na ang buhay ng pamilya ko.. I also think na mas nakakatakot pa ang mga hindi alam ang status nila dahil sila ang may mas malaking chances to infect.  I believe that this kind of sickness is shared responsibility, the reason why I did not searched for the possible person whom I caught this, Do not expect that people who tested positive are all heroes that they will deprive themselves of their needs just to protect you. I hate it when they call themselves victims, Hello! nung ginawa nyo yun dalawa kayo may gusto hehe.Isa pa, I take my pills (which reduces the chance of transmission of  more than 90%) and I never have sex without condoms. Ok, that being said, ako na matapang sa mga mapanghusgang pwedeng magbasa nito, dahil I know there are positives who does but does not tell. Why do I put this in my blog, I WANT YOU NON POSITIVES TO NOT TO DEPEND ON POZZIES FOR YOUR HEALTH. TAKE CHARGE.

AYoko maging plastik, nung nalaman ko na ganito ako hindi naging bato ang puso ko. ako pa rin yung dating ako mula nung bata hanggang ngaun. Nasasaktan, nalulungkot at ayaw matrato na parang isang salot. I am very productive and I decided to do this blog to help.

Hay ang bigat.

Anyways I received a message yesterday sa PR and I wanted to share it with you:

alam mo gusto kita makilala gusto ko malaman pinag dadaanan mo,,, wala man akong sakit ng gaya ng sayo... di naman ako yung natatakot mag karoon ng ganyang karamdaman,, ang sa akin eh magawa ko kung ano ang masaya ako.. tama ka isang beses lang nabubuhay ang isang tao.. kaya na sa sa iyo na yun kung paano mo ito gagamitin... lagi ko babasahin diary mo.. you makes me inspired di ko alam kung paano o kung saan.

SALAMAT SAYO. ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit naglakas loob ako na ilabas na itong part ng nasa isip ko.

Yours,

Potchini2

Dream

Last night I woke up in the middle of my sleep. I am not sure why but I felt sad. Extremely sad. I grabbed my phone and surfed the net and does my usual routine, check the status of any pending cure research against the little monsters that I have. Haha crazy right? I am not sure why I always do that but I believe that a cure can be found within my lifetime.

Anyways, pinili ko pa rin matulog dahil may pasok pa ako sa opisina. Otherwise bangenge na naman ako sa office and I wouldnt be able to perform my task as much as I want to. (ako na workaholic!)

In my dream, I was in a hotel, in a hotel, there was a dirty lake.. and ang daming bangaw. Oo, bangaw! mga malalaking langaw. na habang nakikipagkuwentuhan ako sa mga kaibigan ko may mga bangaw na tumatama sa dibdib ko. pinagpappaatay ko ang mga bangaw at ng makita ko ang dami ko talagang nakita. umalis ako sa lugar na yon pero nauhaw ako... bumalik pa ako para uminom ng iced tea. haha panaginip nga naman o!

And then I woke up. I know it has meanings. I grabbed my phone and checked the net if I can find meaning of it... and I was astounded with what I read...

Flies 
To see flies in your dream symbolize filth and dirtiness, either physical or emotional. It indicates feelings of guilt or a breakdown of a plan. Flies may also forewarn of a contagious sickness. Alternatively, the fly could represent an irritating and annoying person in your life. Perhaps someone does not know how to mind their business.

To dream that you kill or exterminate the flies indicate that you will redeem yourself and regain your honor after your fall from grace.

To see a white colored fly in your dream represents death. This may not necessarily be a physical death, but a metaphorical death. You will be undergoing some significant change to your lifestyle.

Lake

To see a lake in your dream signifies your emotional state of mind. You feel restricted and that you can't express your emotions freely. Alternatively, the lake may provide you with solace, security, and peace of mind. If the lake is clear and calm, then it symbolizes your inner peace. If the lake is disturbed, then you may be going through some emotional turmoil.

Well then, I think I am still in an emotional coaster. But I know that I can win this battle. Simply because I know I will only live once. And I must live the most of it. Natuwa ako sa meaning na napatay ko ang mga langaw.That I will redeem my self. I know I will. WIth God's grace and my family's support I know I will. I know I will. I have no other choice.... losing is not an option...

May gusto ako ishare kung may nagbabasa man nito... tungkol sa lovelife... pero saka na kapag malakas na ang loob ko sa mga maaaring manghusga sa akin.... tutal this is my page, and I am using this to free my self... 

Goodnight

Yours,

Potchini2

My 1st Entry

After a year of being diagnosed as HIV positive, I learned how to read blogs and monitor fellow POS how they live their lifes. It made me feel somewhat "normal" after learning their success and struggles. That everything that I am going through is what they also felt. That I am not alone..

Hindi ako magpapakaplastik to tell that I am completely healed. There are still what ifs and what could have beens in my head. I am still struggling. And I want to be transparent with that. After all, I am still human. This little things inside me should never dictate how I will live my life. I am much bigger than it.

Yeah! Its an everyday struggle. learning to live positively.. ano pa ba mawawala... positive na nga... :)

Yours,

Potchini2