A stricter CD4 Count Schedule at RITM

Hi guys! How are you! Yeah I know I promised to update this blog every once in a while when I am not busy but what can I do? I am busy. Yet it is still my duty to update this site in every important things that I think could help my fellow pozzies in their battle.. and ofcourse for those who are in any ways intersted how a life of HIV positive is being lived.

 

Anyways...

 



Earlier this year, I visited RITM for my semi annual CD4 count. So I have to wake up in the morning... and I mean early morning because I have to be there at 7AM... I am now contemplating about the CD4 sched in RITM because I forgot the time schedule that they allow patients to have their count. I believe its around 7-8 AM every weekdays except Wednesday.

Now for the real story, I was originally scheduled last December, but various activities prohibited my from doing so so I have to make it this year. Apparently, they did not allowed me because they said I have to stick with my schedule and for whatever reason that is, I need to adhere to 2x count a year. If
I have to take my count This year, that means that the next count that Ill be having is December. So I will miss my Annual Medical Examination in June where it consists of almost entire set of laboratory tests. I also have the option to pay or personally shoulder the expense amounting to 6K plus.
It is quite an amount so I decided to take my test in June instead, well the last count that I had last June is pretty impressive so I think I will not be in any risk if I have to skip this session. It is also one of the advise that I got from the nurse.

I cannot object about it. It is my fault. The government is paying for my expense. I only wish that they had informed me earlier on so I could have made  a wiser decision. Anyways whats done is done. Also, I think I am not yet emotionally prepared if ever I learned that I do not have a favorable result in the count.

Well I am hoping that my count in June is still above the minimum normal count. Considering that my meds is already in the second line, I need to take a good grip into it. POSITIVE THINKING POT.


Guys I appreciate if there are any followers of this blog to leave a comment once in a while. Sometimes I think that I am the only one reading my own blog. That could motivate me to write perhaps :)

Yours,

Potchini2

Its December!

 

 

Hello guys! Miss me? I myself was surprised that the last entry I made in this blog was last Sept 15! For real??? And Ive been thinking all the time what to share with you! So it took me 3 months to do it? Nah! Actually while writing this blog I dont have an idea what to post yet and Ill let spontaneity dictates!

Its actually 4:49 AM now and I dont know what is happening in my body clock since I always wake up in the middle of the night and finds it hard to go back to bed again. I dont want to think much about it and try to relate it to Paranormal Activity because Im sure that wont give a lot of help. So instead of thinking about these crazy things I decided! My blog! Yes my blog!

I have been receiving a lot of messages and feedbacks from different people that they have been waiting for my updates. What I always tell them is that I dont have something "new" yet to share. But sometime in my solitude I wonder, do I really have nothing to share or am I just building a lot of walls towards giving out my identity. I heard that one of the positive blogger is identified by his random follower. I cant get the idea why you need to create an effort to identify a person who is trying to be anonimous?! I mean definitely in our case, we need to keep our individuality in private and we are blogging not for anything else, but to help the community in our little own ways. I guess I need not reiterate and common sense dictates that let us just give that respect to people who doesnt want to be identified and just continue their social works. Makes sense right? I guess this is one of the major reason why I failed to have this blog updated as often as I like it to be.

Still, I decided that this blog is helping me too. It helps me release stress. Also, I guess the page view says it all! I am quite surprised that the number is still growing despite my absence these past few months. This doesnt only mean thats my page is starting to get some attention but it also means that there are a lot of people trying to find answers and they are hoping that I could help them through my blog. This blog is not only dedicated to inform people about HIV but to educate others how an HIV positive guy is still living a normal or moreso, a much fabulous life. Joking. Well, half meant... hmmm, ok since you dont know me and you cant dispute that then I will claim it. FABULOUS it is!

December, I went to RITM to get a refill of my ARV when suddenly the attending nurse threw a lot of questions. When did you first started with ARV? Am I still smoking? And all those questions which I thought not being normally asked when just getting a refill. Long talks have gone by and he mentioned that I need to get my CD4 count this December. CRAP! I am not ready yet. I think I am not yet in full condition because of the stress that I am going through and I was planning for January to have the count. I am quite afraid everytime Ill get my CD4 count because it is like a test if youre passing or failing. Well, after I started ARV I have good count and I dont really want to stress myself out thinking if Im still doing a good job. What if my CD4 dropped, it will ony throw me to bed and be depressed for couple of months. But this is the life that I have now, being monitored should be a part of the lifestyle that I should get used to. And come to think of it, lucky me that I am still in a perfect health condition when I discovered I have these little monsters. BTW you monsters, its December now! I think its time for you to get of my system, all of you! LOL

Going back to that nurse, he started telling me that I should be careful because I am already in my second line of ARV. If ever that my regimen fails again Philhealth cannot accomodate it and I have to import my own drugs and all that I earn now is not enough to cover that expense. Well nurse, THANKS A LOT! I dont see the purpose of hammering that in my mind if I dont see the benefit of you telling that to me. I like to answer right at that moment, "are you telling me that I am a hopeless dying freak that I am holding on to my last piece of string to live?". How was that even helpful? Did he wanted me to go to bed, do a fetal position and be depressed? I know he wanted to warn me and I hope those kind of things should be solicited. I have been doing my very best in this regimen. I have not missed a pill in 1.5 years of taking it although sometimes I am late. But I think Im doing good! But for a nurse who should be helping us and guiding us through our journey, it is my humble opinion that I think he should think of reconsidering his ways.

Enough of this! My Alarm just went wild and I need to prepare for office. I should go for now and I hope I can update this blog as often as I could.

BY THE WAY...

It si December! YEHEY! Only positive things are welcome! This is the time to spend for family, friends and loved ones. Let us celebrate the season with love and with a thankful heart how we are saved by our Lord Jesus Christ. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU!

Yours,

Potchini2

My Two Cents

I have been reading a lot of blogs and write-ups regarding HIV and living with the virus after I was tested positive, including the laws that "controls" the virus. I agree to most of them but there really is something that I cannot absorb...

"HIV criminalization due to ptotected/unprotected sex."
"HIV positives should be careful not to infect others."
" It is more acceptable if HIV positives would find a partner with the same status."

Most tackles about this topic. Although this provides sense, what I cannot swallow is that everything is focused now how HIV positives should act to protect the community.

I tested positive and I was so depressed that I dont want to get into that emotional coaster in my life again.But after reading some of the articles, I noticed my self unconciously believeing that HIV positives are a different specie. I almost accepted that I am not who I was. I saw myself as a destructive weapon and would sometimes believe that if there is a global movement for HIV postive genocide, I should participate. That this only way to be responsible, and to stop HIV. I just saw myself as part of HIV registry count and forgot that I am ONE, ONE who has his own identity and being gifted by GOD of a life to live. That is how I used to see myself because of what the society pushes me to believe. And there comes realization....

It pushed me back the day I heard the news that I am infected by the virus. I also asked myself who I got this disease from? But that is not the major question that bothered me. I thought more of how I cannot spread the virus more than think first of how I should live my life from then on to keep myself healthy. I guess Ive been responsible with that line of thinking. But what is the point of letting HIV postives feel that they have the sole responsibility to take care of the society's health and well being??? I believe that I would be given the benefit of the doubt to know what I am talking about because I am in the right shoe to express being an HIV positive, but I never tried to search who I got this from for me to blame that person. If there is someone to blame, it is myself. I am the one who is primarily responsible of taking care of my own life and be on top of the choices that I make. But why all of a sudden, I should be burdened by the though that I should be more responsible for others health?

I hope im addressing my point clearly. I CONDEMN those HIV positives for willingly infecting others, but I DISPUTE the idea that HIV positives are MORE responsible for the health of others.

Being HIV positive, we are well equipped with the fact that we should always practice safe sex, that is the responsibility we ARE ALL BURDENED. That is the reality that we should face. But more than that, being bombarded by opinions that we should isolate ourselves like a different human class, that is enough. I AM ONE. I AM STILL WHO I WAS before the virus.

THE SOCIETY SHOULD NOT ONLY RELY ON US to keep the community away from the virus. If everyone will be aware of how they SHOULD take care of their own health, that could make a big difference. AND THAT IS THE CHALLENGE!


Yours,

Potchini2

I was gone for a while... SORRY

I have been receiving several messages that they are always visiting my site and they are waiting for my updates... well I am still surprised that the number of views on this site still grows despite my absence for more than a month. Im sorry guys Ive been very busy lately.

I was not expecting this kind of schedule that I almost forgot Im HIV positive. yeah right! Dont get me wrong, I still take my ARVs on time but the schedule that I have right now makes me preoccupied and move one step at a time, but I realized that I still have a responsibility to the reading community and I should commit updating this once in a while most especially now... that the numbers of new HIV positive in the Philippines is still growing.

Again, I am happy and sad with the news. Happy in the sense that there is something in my mind that tells me that the number of positive rises here in our country is not solely due to promiscuous peeps that we have, a larger portion of it comes from awareness and the drive from different sectors to let people know that HIV is not a fictitious disease and it is really around our community. HIV folks will be aware of their status, become more responsible and most of all, will be able to take care of themselves. Sad because every positive result will bring another heartache to a soul. If I will pattern my self to others, the news made me astrayed on my own path. I really do not know here to go then. Well I am not saying that I am in the position right now where everything is already planned and I know what to do in every HIV related matter that I will face... but I believe I am in a better shoe than before. Given the support of my fellow pozzies from Twitter and the strengthened relationship with family and God.

I will take this chance to update my readers that another young soul with HIV was called by our great creator to join HIM in his kingdom. I should be happy for him because he is in a place where there is no HIV, no pain and no discrimation. But I was shocked with the news that the first thing that came into my mind was the pain of her mother. I love my mom so much that I dont want her to feel so much pain, moreso, with my lost. But I dont know if I will pray to God if I wanted to go first before her. Ill die my second death... Yeah! I considered my self reincarnated for I once died with the HIV news and now I am all alive living my life to the fullest with better perspective. But I dont want to anticipate negative things for now for God is so wise that he knows what to do in matters that man cannot comprehend.

Whew. How did I ever shifted to that topic! Anyways, I hope that those newly enrolled pozzies will be able to cope up well and continue with their lives so we could enjoy the gift of live our creator had given us. And I also hope that I can update this blog more frequently!

Yours,
Potchini2

My tears just made me stronger

Suddenly I am starting to feel down as what I was before. Maybe not that much but I wasnt able to contain my emotion and I had such a blast of emotions. Its like all of the suppressed fears, anger, hatred, and couldve wouldve beens are all starting to rush out of my body. These became a little monster, hid it in the closet, and when I checked it if its still there, I am surprised that it became a huge predator waiting to feed on me.

I discovered that I havent forgiven myself yet. To this point I am still unsure if I already had forgiven me for closing doors. It is hard to know that you have limited options in your life. Its like you are free but youre not eligible to do things that you always want to do. No one is to be blamed but myself. People always tell me that I am intelligent and smart, but why a preventable disease, which I am very familiar of,  will limit me in loving my life to the fullest?!

Admit it. Living with HIV is not living a normal life.

It is not normal to be always concious about what you eat. I check that I always have the proper nutrients that I have. Even at times that I dont feel like eating, I force my self to have something in my stomach in the fear that my body may get weak and that my CD4 will go down.

It is not normal to monitor your CD4.

It is not normal to be concious of the time. Even at times when you feel youre very sleepy, you need to stay awake and wait for the time to take your ARVs. You need to keep an alarm, or any system that would remind you of taking the meds on the proper time.

It is not normal to think you will die alone. Many may contest that living with HIV do not equate living alone. The harder it is to find true love. What more to look for someone you really love who can accept you and risk his own health of getting infected?

It is not normal to undergo spermwashing just to have your own kids. Though taking ARVs promises a decreased rate of tranmission, still this is not a 100% guarantee. Ill die if I learned that my child will have a lifetime sentence through me.

All of these are the monsters that tries to eat me. But I took a deep breath, prayed and tried to look at myself in the mirror.

Why am I so afraid of so many things? I know that many people would like to trade places with me. I never want to tell these kind of heartaches to those people who are born handicapped, to those people who stuggle each day for food, to those people who dies of starvation, those people whose family died of tragedy, those people who has no one to turn to, those people who tries to have kids but cannot, those people who became old of being single by helping their family, those people... those noble people who helped me realize that I am in a better situation... and that I should be thankful!

I have funny/happy sets of friends. I am now introduced to some of Pozzies (via twitter) who tries to be always there when I am down. Those people who messages me with "thank you's" for helping them through my advocacy... and at times telling me that I inspired them. I have my work. I have my family with me. A very loving and supportive family.Most of all, I have God.

God is generous enough to give me a chance for a second life. HIV gives me better perspective of what life is all about. With all sincerity, HIV is not everything bad. It made me realize the importance of LIVING. Of accepting limitations. Of living each day as my last. Of having the passion to affect others.Of being a better me. Of being a son again. Of having fear in God.

I used to think that I am frail.... but damn... I am STRONG!

Yours,

Potchin2

I need a hug

Okay, this is supposed to be a blog filled with positivity. But this is also my outlet to release my stress. I think Im starting to feel down again... I need a hug!!!


My job really is starting to drain my energy. I cannot even feel my body at times. I am even too tired to get that sleep that I wanted if you know what I mean. Considering that I should be taking myself twice more than people without little monsters in their blood... I am thinking if I should be leaving my work. It is not an easy task for me, my work now has been my home for 5years and it actually helped me a lot. Im workaholic but I dont want to push my self much considering I should prioritize increasing my CD4 count. Worst is, because of busy work... I forgot to take my medicine 3 hours late... this is the second time I was late for the week... the other one was 2 hours late.Easy to blame the virus right?! I hope that little monsters wont mutate and be resistant to the current ARVs that I am taking... Now I am getting paranoid. But what can I do... whats done is done and I need to plan better to never let this misses happen again.My body felt like being gang raped by 10 guys... (oops never think that I experienced a gang bang okay?!) haha. But it WAS a fantasy... going back....

I really felt that I need a hug. I need positive things to come in... and just when I need it I remembered little things that happened to me for the day...

Mom called me in the cellphone in the middle of my much needed sleep which ofcourse, woke me up. I was kinda irritated because I cant hear her from the other line and ofcourse I really feel I need sleep. I texted her, why? She responded "Wala, chinecheck lang kita". (Nothing... Im only checking you out). Sweet!!!! WHAT AM I WITHOUT YOU!!!! ILABYAH!!!


Also, someone messaged me from PR... this also made me smile...

hi, i am reading your blog right now while composing this message (i don't have HIV, dunno if i have) and i salute you because you still have that positive vibes that surrounds you...i haven't been to any of the hospitals you posted on your blog but it's a big help to know where should i go in case i feel the need to get my self checked...

i've read some bashing you've encountered on this site and you have my RESPECT in handling those people...i have many thoughts as well with people who have AIDS but you changed all of it...even if i haven't seen you...i feel that i like you...your attitude and how you see your life as a whole...

I'll be thinking of you when i get my self checked and i'll inform you asap!!!


 Knowing that the purpose of this blog is served... I am happy for that... to atleast helped a single guy know his HIV status through me is a really big thing. What more would it be after receiving messages that they will check their status after reading my blog. Either they will do it in the near future or not... I know they are now aware.


But still, I need a hug.

Yours,

Potchini2

To the World's Greatest Mom

I wish to tell you how much I love you mom! Although I cant remember the last time I told you this, I know action speaks louder than words... And hopefully Ill have the courage to tell you how I feel. For now, I hope this works...

During my highschool days, I must admit, I envied my classmates' moms because they were all supportive to them. They are soft spoken, womanly and always gives us a sweet smile. At that moment, I always wanted my mom to be like them. Like a typical mom... But now that I have grown up I realized I do not want a typical mom... I love you the way you are, youre more than ordinary..

You washed jeepney when we were young, you do other's laundry, you sell fish, you owned sari-sari store, you fix the faucet when its broken, electric wires when not working... and you helped dad to raise us up. You struggled to have all of us finish our college. I thought that would be the end of my list of how wonderful you are.. but not...

I broke the biggest news last year... I called you up when I learned that I was HIV Positive... I heard you broke into tears... but I was steadfast. I dont want you to hear the sound of my shattering soul. Not because I was HIV positive but because.... I heard you cry... and this time because of me. You didnt blamed me. Instead, you welcome me with youre loving arm...

That is the day when I died because of the news, and you made me live again through your love.

Now, you wake me up to take my medicines. You cook healthy foods for me... even at times you do not feel well. You made me feel your love more than ever. Overwhelming.

Now it is payback time. We are all successful professionals and we, will ensure that you will have a better life than what we used to have. I will try to give you everything that you want. I will dress you up with fine clothes, with perfumes and jewels. All because you deserve that. I OWE EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE NOW BECAUSE OF YOU. I owe you more than my life's worth. I love you right after GOD.

The word LOVE will not be enough to define how I am thankful to GOD because I have you. You are especially crafted for us. You are not the typical mom... you are unique. YOU ARE YOU.

You are the BEST.