Suddenly I am starting to feel down as what I was before. Maybe not that much but I wasnt able to contain my emotion and I had such a blast of emotions. Its like all of the suppressed fears, anger, hatred, and couldve wouldve beens are all starting to rush out of my body. These became a little monster, hid it in the closet, and when I checked it if its still there, I am surprised that it became a huge predator waiting to feed on me.
I discovered that I havent forgiven myself yet. To this point I am still unsure if I already had forgiven me for closing doors. It is hard to know that you have limited options in your life. Its like you are free but youre not eligible to do things that you always want to do. No one is to be blamed but myself. People always tell me that I am intelligent and smart, but why a preventable disease, which I am very familiar of, will limit me in loving my life to the fullest?!
Admit it. Living with HIV is not living a normal life.
It is not normal to be always concious about what you eat. I check that I always have the proper nutrients that I have. Even at times that I dont feel like eating, I force my self to have something in my stomach in the fear that my body may get weak and that my CD4 will go down.
It is not normal to monitor your CD4.
It is not normal to be concious of the time. Even at times when you feel youre very sleepy, you need to stay awake and wait for the time to take your ARVs. You need to keep an alarm, or any system that would remind you of taking the meds on the proper time.
It is not normal to think you will die alone. Many may contest that living with HIV do not equate living alone. The harder it is to find true love. What more to look for someone you really love who can accept you and risk his own health of getting infected?
It is not normal to undergo spermwashing just to have your own kids. Though taking ARVs promises a decreased rate of tranmission, still this is not a 100% guarantee. Ill die if I learned that my child will have a lifetime sentence through me.
All of these are the monsters that tries to eat me. But I took a deep breath, prayed and tried to look at myself in the mirror.
Why am I so afraid of so many things? I know that many people would like to trade places with me. I never want to tell these kind of heartaches to those people who are born handicapped, to those people who stuggle each day for food, to those people who dies of starvation, those people whose family died of tragedy, those people who has no one to turn to, those people who tries to have kids but cannot, those people who became old of being single by helping their family, those people... those noble people who helped me realize that I am in a better situation... and that I should be thankful!
I have funny/happy sets of friends. I am now introduced to some of Pozzies (via twitter) who tries to be always there when I am down. Those people who messages me with "thank you's" for helping them through my advocacy... and at times telling me that I inspired them. I have my work. I have my family with me. A very loving and supportive family.Most of all, I have God.
God is generous enough to give me a chance for a second life. HIV gives me better perspective of what life is all about. With all sincerity, HIV is not everything bad. It made me realize the importance of LIVING. Of accepting limitations. Of living each day as my last. Of having the passion to affect others.Of being a better me. Of being a son again. Of having fear in God.
I used to think that I am frail.... but damn... I am STRONG!
Yours,
Potchin2
