Dear readers, Im ok!

Part of activating this blog once again is being asked with several questions. I would like to share with you one of the messages that I received this morning, first thing that I read in my phone. My eyes went big as I asked myself, what am I blogging? Does my write-ups makes me look someone to feel sorry about? Here is the message from my planet romeo account:


hi! i read your blog and mejo nakakasad ang nangyari sau... im negative pero im still so careful and paranoid. i never had unprotected sex and i try not to engage in any risky sexual activity .

back in 2011 ata ( same year you were diagnosed) nung una akong magpa test. and then i posted in here in PR... few people asked me how to do it and i advised them how. most of them were negative ( sinamahanko pa yung iba)..pero one of them ( never kaminagkita instructed ko lang xa thur txt) became positive. he was so devastated hindi ko alam paano i handle situation niya.

ask ko lang, were you engaged in risky sexual behaviors before? like bareback? or drugs? or super careful ka din pero nagkasakit ka pa din? and i have classmates ko died at very young age due to tb i suspect it was hiv pero never ko na pinagsabi kasi wala din naman mangyayari at patay na sila pero nakakatakot nga isipin na biglaan n lang.

salamat at more power to you

In english, "Hi, I read your blog and it saddens me about what happened to you, I am negative but still careful and paranoid. I never had unprotected sex and i try not to engage in any risky sexual activity .

It was in 2011 (same year you were diagnosed) that I first had my test, and then i posted it here in PR... few people asked me how to do it and i advised them how. most of them were negative except for one of them. He was devastated but I dont know how to handle his case. Did you engaged your self in risky sexual behavior? drugs? Or are you super careful but still you caught HIV? I have classmate who died at very young age due to tb, I think he was HIV positive. Thanks and more power to you"

First of, you dont need to be sad about my case. Well, thank God but I am perfectly fine right now. I guess much better before I was diagnosed. In terms of life perspective, I have learned to live life more and really sort my priorities in life. I tend to value time and make the most of it. My health is good and hopefully will remain that way for a very long time. To be honest, I have learned to be more positive after becoming HIV positive. Ironic but true.

Did I engaged in risky sexual activities? Yes. Perhaps I trusted a lot. And way back then I must admit, I dont have proper knowledge. I thought HIV is a very rare case since the only HIV positive I know back then was Sarah Jane Salazar. Was I promiscuous? Hmm, I did engaged in casual sex but I dont think not to the point of being tagged as one. Did I used drugs? Other than those that can be bought from pharmacy I dont. Never will I try illicit drugs.

Regarding the person who died in a young age, God bless his soul, my suggestion is, let him take his rest. Health is a very confidential matter and he owes no one an explanation about his status even you. Sorry for being blunt but he have that rights to keep it confidential. TB is not solely caused by HIV. Its air airborne disease and its in the environment. Philippines unfortunately, has high case of TB incidents.

You dont need to be paranoid in having HIV, not that this is not a serious health threat but there are other illnesses you should also look at. Hepa, Cancer et al. Easier said than done but, what will your life be if you live in anxiety. Do your best to have your self protected and have intimate moments with your partner alone. Being monogamous is a very good start. I would also like to empower those who are afraid to know their status, we already have ARVs (antiretroviral drugs) used to suppress the virus that attacks the immune system. If you find your status early and you started with drugs, it is not impossible to live like a normal life again, like I do!

What am I trying to say? HIV can make or break you. But it doesnt mean its the end of it. Most of the HIV positives that I talked with had a better life perspective after they learned their HIV status. Although I really hope that a cure should someday come, and I pray that this disease will be gone in this world, there are very valuable life lessons that these microscopic viruses taught me. That living a good life does not equate to the length of years you stayed in this world, it is how you live your life to the fullest. Sometimes, you have to hit your head to realize the reason why you live... for you to live for that reason. Logically obvious, but most of the time forgotten.

Thank you for your concern, but I am healthy, happy and better now.

Yours,

Potchini2

How are you? How am I?

Whew! Almost a year since I last updated this blog. I am not even sure if there are people who still reads this but the statistics says yes! I hope that my blogs are timeless, that even when I am not updating this as much as I wanted, my readers can still relate to my story.... and hopefully they can learn!

How time flies so fast!.. and everyday I thank God for the wonderful blessing of good health and safety for me, my family and my loved ones. There are actually a lot of things that I want to share to you and a single blog cant handle it all. So yes! Hopefully I can visit this once in a while and give you things about what happened/happening to me. So let me start by.... hmmmmm.....

Friends

When I was diagnosed last 2011, I was very depressed and desperate that I really wanted to talk to someone. I can vividly remember the feelings that I had way back then. The feeling of being alone and different... like an alien. That you are nothing like anybody else, that I am levels lower than anybody, and that time I knew I needed someone to talk to openly... that is... a warm body and not in chats. I have no choice since I dont want to open my identity in public, so I decided surfing the net and was able to get 3 email ads from a blog. They were Pinoy, Trixie and Bruce (their psodonyms). I tried messaging them and fortunately they responded to my chat. Eventually,we lost our communication and that made me see the Twitter world for Poz. (follow me)

I went to RITM one time for a check up when Bruce messaged me that Pinoy and Trixie were also there, it was like in movies... my phone is almost dead with few percentage of battery left that I wasnt able to describe my self to Bruce so he can tell Pinoy and Trixie to look for me. I was kinda frustrated as my phone finally turned off. And so I breathed deeply and said to myself... oh well.... And while waiting for my queue to get my blood extracted, I noticed two people which I found familiar (yes! me and Pinoy once exchanged pic). I reluctantly approached them and said... "excuse me.. are you Pinoy?". (I was reluctant as I speak to nobody when I am there... I dont want attention as I dont want to be recognized) He said, "Yes.... Potchi is that you?". After a year of no communication, we finally met unexpectedly. It was meant! I am happy that I found these guys. And a year later upto now, we are still friends and we accompany each other whenever we go there! Happy right! But...

There are just friends that are close to you who you never wanted to see... especially in RITM! If internet can only feel the conviction as I am typing right now! YES READERS! I met familiar faces there and fortunately I was able to hide and they did not noticed me. That I have to rush back home even it took me 3 hours to get there. I dont want to elaborate further. They may be reading this and give them verification that I really was the one whom they may have seen! LOL! My advice... to wear a mask of Superman whenever you go to your treatment hub! LOL. But seriously, if you really are trying hard not to be identified, bring a surgery mask (also for protection), a cap, and sunglasses. So what if you look weird, they will never recognize you anyway! In this times where the statistics are really rising up for newly diagnosed HIV positives, it is not impossible that a friend, colleague or neighbor is in the same treatment hub with where you are. It wont hurt to add additional safeguard to your identity right?

I will be updating this soon with some of the latest things that you may find interesting. But I have to pause for now as I am getting really sleepy.

How am I? I am doing pretty good!

How are you?

Yours,

Potchini2

HIV in the Philippines

 Hello there! Its nice to be back after few months of being away from this blog. I was too busy to even notice that its almost 4 months since I made an entry. I tried visiting my page again and I felt like reading some of my posts and I felt the sincerity back when I was writing those. It even reminds me of what pushes me to write at that time. Well for now, what brought me here is my last entry about asking God why it has to be me in terms of catching HIV. Although it feels good to travel back to past, what I am about to share is quite a bad news.

431 newly infected HIV Filipinos has been detected in June 2013 alone. This is way high compared to my batch (why does it sounds funny for me to tell "my batch"???) which is around 180 two years ago. I am quite happy with the news. Happy in the sense that there is something in me that tells me that these people are not "newly" infected but some or most of them are just starting to be aware of the importance of knowing their status. Although this is a bad news to anyone to learn that they already caught the virus, this is generally a good start. First, they are now more concious of the lifestyle that their having and be more protective of their health and second, they are now (hopefully) be more responsible in their sexual activities doing their very best not to infect others.

To those who are newly diagnosed and is currently surfing the net to see if there is something or someone that they can relate to. I hope my blog will be useful. I wrote some articles during my ups and my downs because it helped me cope up from my stress and I know the importance of knowing that somebody has gone where you are right now and is able to live after the shock.

I am sending you my prayers and my hug. Continue living. Life is wonderful.

This is my diary. This is our story.

Yours,

Potchini2

God Why Me?

 



 

I think it is nature of a human to dream and live a life based on what we want it to be. So do I. Everyone has the right to pursue their dreams, to get things that they wanted. After all, we only live once, better make the most out of it.

 

But sometimes during the journey, we come accross different hurdles in life and realize that life isnt a smooth road to just pass through. During our travel, there are things that happens that even makes our destination bent to a different road. It is then that we realize that we should let reality takeover where dreams sit in.

 

I dreamt of being a very successful professional since I was a child. To wear corporate attires, be respected and not be treated as a typical mediocre. I know I have personality, I am intelligent... I have the equipments to get to the dreams where I want to be. But in the course of achieving those dreams, I learned that I am HIV positive.

 

The initial reaction was to stop. Look around me and realized... Im lost. In the midst of thinkining that I am closer to where I wanted to be, I noticed that I am alone. I was blinded by my goals to see the more important things that matters to me. I lost time to my family, my friends... and my self. It is obvious that you should ove yourself over work but it is sometimes hard to identify that you are being eaten by your dreams.

 

HIV made me stop, it even made me let go of some of my aspirations and get hold of things that really matters to me. I am now in the point where Ive learned to appreciate things that makes me happy, those who constantly makes me feel loved. It is not as easy as it sounds, I know I am an achiever, a hard worker. But everytime I am contained by so many things I pause for a while.

 

Many would ask, God... why me?! Are you punishing me for being bad? Am I that bad?! And after a while I asked my self again... why not me?! I would like to share this question to you my dear readers (if there are any). Everytime you you ask God why you? Ask yourself... why not? You are not more special than anyone else. We are equals in the eyes of God. Everything has a purpose and it may take time to unveil. And we are not given tests because He wants us to be punished. He loves us, He gave his only son to save us. No amount of love is higher than offering His son despite His being the most powerful, just to save us. I must admit, I never dreamed of catching HIV, nor I want to have it if I have an option... but this virus made me become a better version of myself.

 

I need to continue life... the gift that He gave me. And everytime I drink my meds, there starts my battle to protect the life that He entrusted me.

 

After 2 years of being positive, I am now lifting my baggage again. I must start my journey towards my dreams, but now, the things inside my bag is not just knowledge, aspirations and hardwork, I have brought with me the love that keeps me going and will ensure that I have them until the end.

 

Lets celebrate the love of our God this Holy Week.

 

Yours,

 

Potchini2

A stricter CD4 Count Schedule at RITM

Hi guys! How are you! Yeah I know I promised to update this blog every once in a while when I am not busy but what can I do? I am busy. Yet it is still my duty to update this site in every important things that I think could help my fellow pozzies in their battle.. and ofcourse for those who are in any ways intersted how a life of HIV positive is being lived.

 

Anyways...

 



Earlier this year, I visited RITM for my semi annual CD4 count. So I have to wake up in the morning... and I mean early morning because I have to be there at 7AM... I am now contemplating about the CD4 sched in RITM because I forgot the time schedule that they allow patients to have their count. I believe its around 7-8 AM every weekdays except Wednesday.

Now for the real story, I was originally scheduled last December, but various activities prohibited my from doing so so I have to make it this year. Apparently, they did not allowed me because they said I have to stick with my schedule and for whatever reason that is, I need to adhere to 2x count a year. If
I have to take my count This year, that means that the next count that Ill be having is December. So I will miss my Annual Medical Examination in June where it consists of almost entire set of laboratory tests. I also have the option to pay or personally shoulder the expense amounting to 6K plus.
It is quite an amount so I decided to take my test in June instead, well the last count that I had last June is pretty impressive so I think I will not be in any risk if I have to skip this session. It is also one of the advise that I got from the nurse.

I cannot object about it. It is my fault. The government is paying for my expense. I only wish that they had informed me earlier on so I could have made  a wiser decision. Anyways whats done is done. Also, I think I am not yet emotionally prepared if ever I learned that I do not have a favorable result in the count.

Well I am hoping that my count in June is still above the minimum normal count. Considering that my meds is already in the second line, I need to take a good grip into it. POSITIVE THINKING POT.


Guys I appreciate if there are any followers of this blog to leave a comment once in a while. Sometimes I think that I am the only one reading my own blog. That could motivate me to write perhaps :)

Yours,

Potchini2

Its December!

 

 

Hello guys! Miss me? I myself was surprised that the last entry I made in this blog was last Sept 15! For real??? And Ive been thinking all the time what to share with you! So it took me 3 months to do it? Nah! Actually while writing this blog I dont have an idea what to post yet and Ill let spontaneity dictates!

Its actually 4:49 AM now and I dont know what is happening in my body clock since I always wake up in the middle of the night and finds it hard to go back to bed again. I dont want to think much about it and try to relate it to Paranormal Activity because Im sure that wont give a lot of help. So instead of thinking about these crazy things I decided! My blog! Yes my blog!

I have been receiving a lot of messages and feedbacks from different people that they have been waiting for my updates. What I always tell them is that I dont have something "new" yet to share. But sometime in my solitude I wonder, do I really have nothing to share or am I just building a lot of walls towards giving out my identity. I heard that one of the positive blogger is identified by his random follower. I cant get the idea why you need to create an effort to identify a person who is trying to be anonimous?! I mean definitely in our case, we need to keep our individuality in private and we are blogging not for anything else, but to help the community in our little own ways. I guess I need not reiterate and common sense dictates that let us just give that respect to people who doesnt want to be identified and just continue their social works. Makes sense right? I guess this is one of the major reason why I failed to have this blog updated as often as I like it to be.

Still, I decided that this blog is helping me too. It helps me release stress. Also, I guess the page view says it all! I am quite surprised that the number is still growing despite my absence these past few months. This doesnt only mean thats my page is starting to get some attention but it also means that there are a lot of people trying to find answers and they are hoping that I could help them through my blog. This blog is not only dedicated to inform people about HIV but to educate others how an HIV positive guy is still living a normal or moreso, a much fabulous life. Joking. Well, half meant... hmmm, ok since you dont know me and you cant dispute that then I will claim it. FABULOUS it is!

December, I went to RITM to get a refill of my ARV when suddenly the attending nurse threw a lot of questions. When did you first started with ARV? Am I still smoking? And all those questions which I thought not being normally asked when just getting a refill. Long talks have gone by and he mentioned that I need to get my CD4 count this December. CRAP! I am not ready yet. I think I am not yet in full condition because of the stress that I am going through and I was planning for January to have the count. I am quite afraid everytime Ill get my CD4 count because it is like a test if youre passing or failing. Well, after I started ARV I have good count and I dont really want to stress myself out thinking if Im still doing a good job. What if my CD4 dropped, it will ony throw me to bed and be depressed for couple of months. But this is the life that I have now, being monitored should be a part of the lifestyle that I should get used to. And come to think of it, lucky me that I am still in a perfect health condition when I discovered I have these little monsters. BTW you monsters, its December now! I think its time for you to get of my system, all of you! LOL

Going back to that nurse, he started telling me that I should be careful because I am already in my second line of ARV. If ever that my regimen fails again Philhealth cannot accomodate it and I have to import my own drugs and all that I earn now is not enough to cover that expense. Well nurse, THANKS A LOT! I dont see the purpose of hammering that in my mind if I dont see the benefit of you telling that to me. I like to answer right at that moment, "are you telling me that I am a hopeless dying freak that I am holding on to my last piece of string to live?". How was that even helpful? Did he wanted me to go to bed, do a fetal position and be depressed? I know he wanted to warn me and I hope those kind of things should be solicited. I have been doing my very best in this regimen. I have not missed a pill in 1.5 years of taking it although sometimes I am late. But I think Im doing good! But for a nurse who should be helping us and guiding us through our journey, it is my humble opinion that I think he should think of reconsidering his ways.

Enough of this! My Alarm just went wild and I need to prepare for office. I should go for now and I hope I can update this blog as often as I could.

BY THE WAY...

It si December! YEHEY! Only positive things are welcome! This is the time to spend for family, friends and loved ones. Let us celebrate the season with love and with a thankful heart how we are saved by our Lord Jesus Christ. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU!

Yours,

Potchini2

My Two Cents

I have been reading a lot of blogs and write-ups regarding HIV and living with the virus after I was tested positive, including the laws that "controls" the virus. I agree to most of them but there really is something that I cannot absorb...

"HIV criminalization due to ptotected/unprotected sex."
"HIV positives should be careful not to infect others."
" It is more acceptable if HIV positives would find a partner with the same status."

Most tackles about this topic. Although this provides sense, what I cannot swallow is that everything is focused now how HIV positives should act to protect the community.

I tested positive and I was so depressed that I dont want to get into that emotional coaster in my life again.But after reading some of the articles, I noticed my self unconciously believeing that HIV positives are a different specie. I almost accepted that I am not who I was. I saw myself as a destructive weapon and would sometimes believe that if there is a global movement for HIV postive genocide, I should participate. That this only way to be responsible, and to stop HIV. I just saw myself as part of HIV registry count and forgot that I am ONE, ONE who has his own identity and being gifted by GOD of a life to live. That is how I used to see myself because of what the society pushes me to believe. And there comes realization....

It pushed me back the day I heard the news that I am infected by the virus. I also asked myself who I got this disease from? But that is not the major question that bothered me. I thought more of how I cannot spread the virus more than think first of how I should live my life from then on to keep myself healthy. I guess Ive been responsible with that line of thinking. But what is the point of letting HIV postives feel that they have the sole responsibility to take care of the society's health and well being??? I believe that I would be given the benefit of the doubt to know what I am talking about because I am in the right shoe to express being an HIV positive, but I never tried to search who I got this from for me to blame that person. If there is someone to blame, it is myself. I am the one who is primarily responsible of taking care of my own life and be on top of the choices that I make. But why all of a sudden, I should be burdened by the though that I should be more responsible for others health?

I hope im addressing my point clearly. I CONDEMN those HIV positives for willingly infecting others, but I DISPUTE the idea that HIV positives are MORE responsible for the health of others.

Being HIV positive, we are well equipped with the fact that we should always practice safe sex, that is the responsibility we ARE ALL BURDENED. That is the reality that we should face. But more than that, being bombarded by opinions that we should isolate ourselves like a different human class, that is enough. I AM ONE. I AM STILL WHO I WAS before the virus.

THE SOCIETY SHOULD NOT ONLY RELY ON US to keep the community away from the virus. If everyone will be aware of how they SHOULD take care of their own health, that could make a big difference. AND THAT IS THE CHALLENGE!


Yours,

Potchini2